The Media Guy: Just making sure you've been paying attention...

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I know all you want to do is go to the beach and read Ed Klein's "The Truth about Hillary," but the real truth is that we've got some serious work to do here, people, and I'm concerned that some of you are just not keeping up. So I've decided we're having a media-studies pop quiz. Right now. What's that? Yes, I'm serious. Clear your desks and take out your No. 2 pencils. And stop your groaning!

The best catchphrase of the year so far is:

A. "I can't be cool. I can't be laid-back. Something happened and I want to celebrate it."

B. "If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK? That's what I've done."

C. "They smell good. They look pretty. I love women. I do."

D. "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

Fill in the blank for P. Diddy's pitch in an ad currently airing on MTV: "One of the things about _____ is it moisturizes my situation, it preserves my sexy, and then I'm off to doing what I need to do."

A. Pennzoil (Long-Life Heavy Duty Engine Oil)

B. Replens (Long-Lasting Vaginal Moisturizer)

C. Cheetos (Dangerously Cheesy Cheese Flavored Snacks)

D. Proactiv (The Answer for Acne)

Martha Stewart revealed in Vanity Fair that her prison nickname was:

A. Martha Stewart Omnibitchy

B. Martha Stewart Omniguilty

C. Martha Stewart Omnipretty

D. M. Diddy

Which of the following did a Dublin court not rule must be returned to Bono by a former stylist who worked for U2 18 years ago?

A. Bono's pants

B. Bono's hoop earrings

C. Bono's Stetson hat

D. Bono's last name

New York Times reporter Judith Miller got sent to jail for:

A. Buying all that crap about WMDs, and thereby aiding and abetting the headlong rush into war with Iraq.

B. Selling her ImClone stock based on an insider tip.

C. Stealing Bono's pants.

D. Robert Novak.

A spokesperson for the Christian organization The Resistance has blasted Jessica Simpson for her "These Boots are Made for Walking" video, demanding that she shoot a family-friendly version. They're also demanding that:

A. The guy whose butt was shown in a photograph posted to the Los Angeles Times Web site's "wikitorial" put on a pair of pants, for Chrissakes.

B. Nick Lachey stop doing bench presses because, Lordy, that hot bod of his is gonna turn all the men in this parish into queers!

C. ABC add "Praying with the Stars" to its fall line-up.

D. I rewrite this quiz to exclude mentions of Nick Lachey's sexy body and that dude's butt.

In response to the news that Angelina Jolie and (supposedly) Brad Pitt are adopting an Ethopian AIDS orphan:

A. Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are going to try to adopt a Lebanese crack baby.

B. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are thinking about adopting a lesbian baby with diaper rash.

C. Juliette Lewis and Woody Harrelson may adopt kosher cooking practices.

D. I'm adopting Norm Pearlstine.

The only people expected to apply for jobs at the Al-Jazeera network as it enters the English-language market next year include:

A. Al-Roker

B. Tony Danza

C. Bloggers who got turned down by The Huffington Post

D. American Media employees inured to terror after years of working for Bonnie Fuller and David Pecker

Which of the following is not a lyric from Destiny's Child's stomach-turning new hit "Cater 2 U"?

A. Let me help you / take off your shoes / untie your shoestrings / take off your cuff links

B. When you come home late / tap me on my shoulder / I'll roll over

C. I got your slippers / your dinner / your dessert / and so much more

D. Boo, I have no shred of self- esteem / do you take your coffee with cream?

If Karl Rove didn't leak the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to Matt Cooper, what did he tell the Time reporter?

A. "I can't be cool. I can't be laid-back. Something happened and I want to celebrate it."

B. "If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK? That's what I've done."

C. "They smell good. They look pretty. I love women. I do."

D. "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

The only person buying the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes romance is:

A. Liz Smith, on alternate Tuesdays, after a few cocktails.

B. 9-year-old Becky Kerwin of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

C. Tom Cruise's publicist-sister Lee Anne DeVette.

D. Xenu of Scientology fame, who, according to Wikipedia, "is the galactic tyrant who stacked hundreds of billions of his frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a `3-D, super colossal motion picture' for 36 days."

Which of the following is not an upcoming reality TV show?

A. NBC's "Tommy Lee Goes to College"

B. Bravo's "Being Bobby Brown"

C. NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, but I Want to be a Pop Star"

D. HBO's "I'm James Gandolfini, Are You Going to Finish Those Fries?"

I'm writing "Media Guy":

A. To serve as a launching pad for my podcast.

B. To serve as a platform for my blog.

C. Until Mel Karmazin offers me my own satellite radio show on Sirius.

D. With the hopes that an editor at Highlights for Children notices my work.

ANSWER KEY: You can find it online at AdAge.com QwikFIND..., oh what the hell, they're all D.

Email: dumenco@gmail.com

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