Dave Schiff Unleashed

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When I was little, I believed in Dr. Seuss books. Then I grew up and found out it was all lies. Not long after that I dedicated my life to the pursuit of evil. Or. at least, the crippling of other people's good times. Germans are the only people twisted enough to give this sentiment a name: schadenfreude. It means to derive pleasure from someone else's misfortune. This is my favorite word ever. While other people spend their free time making driftwood sculptures or building houses for the homeless, I meticulously assemble the ruination of someone's day.

My most recent project of this sort was conceived and executed with the help of my partners, Alex Burnard and Mike Del Marmol, who both share my interest in general wrongdoing. Our first order of business was to obtain 800 cubic feet of Styrofoam packing peanuts. This is more difficult than it sounds. Pack-and-ship places generally have about 100 cubic feet on hand, so we drove to a regional distribution center, packing our 24-foot Ryder truck nearly to capacity.

That night we pulled into the agency parking lot and began hauling packing peanuts up to the office one elevator at a time. By 6 a.m., we had achieved our objective: filling a rival creative team's office to the ceiling tiles with what is perhaps the most loathsome and difficult to clean material in the world.

By the time we arrived for work the next day, activity inside the entire 10-story structure had ground to a halt. Peanut fragments had been tracked from Crispin's office into the elevators, and from there, into every business in the building. Static electricity can be a wonderfully horrible thing.

Needless to say, the two guys whose office we hit were rendered completely helpless for a good 24 hours. But, to their credit, they got us back a few months later. That, however, is another story. Anyway, you can see the whole thing unfold on video by going to www.cpbgroup.com and clicking "The Package."

A quick side story: When the Ryder truck was parked outside my house the night of the attack, my neighbors suspected something unsavory and called the cops. The cops broke into the back of the truck, convinced there were drugs inside. When they found out it was all part of an elaborate prank, they offered not to ticket the illegally parked truck in exchange for two bags of packing peanuts. The next day, another cop emerged from a local convenience store to find his squad car filled to the dome light with packing peanuts. He had a genuine conniption fit, and drove promptly to a recycling center, where he spent several hours cleaning out the car. A few months later, he got revenge by taping a dead fish beneath the seat of the pranking officer's vehicle.

Dave Schiff is a copywriter at Crispin Porter + Bogusky/Miami.

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