The Kafka Questionnaire

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What will Britney Spears be doing in 10 years?

Having Christina Aguilera tattoos removed from her 9-year-old's ass.

Is the Six Flags Man good in bed?

I was too wasted to remember. But he won't stop calling, so I must have been.

What would your name be if you were named after your first dog and the street you grew up on?

Shithead US-1.

Has Casual Friday become too casual?

No, but it's way too Friday.

What's the next thing that needs to be microwaveable?

Communion wafers. I like my body of Christ hot and crispy.

What else could they do to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show?

Play football through it.

What's the worst package design of all time?

The Lexus LS 400. It's really hard to open it up and get to the tasty asshole inside.

Has shampoo ever given you an orgasm?

No, but a douche has made me more confident.

Should fat kids be allowed to sue their parents?

They should be required to.

What kind of guy buys a Hummer?

Guys who aren't man enough to drive a U-Haul.

After the low-carb craze, what's the next idiotic beer trend?

Grain-free brew.

How do you tell the Olsen twins apart?

Ashley thinks I'm hot.

What can be done to reverse the steep decline of the Miss America Pageant?

Achieve world peace. Everybody will tune in to see what the bimbos will come up with for what they hope to accomplish when they win.

How big a problem is steroid abuse in the World Chess Federation?

None. The pieces get stronger, but they can't mate.

What should Prince Harry wear to his next costume party?

Something nobody would believe. I know-he could go as a legitimate heir to the throne.

What would you give to be on the Michael Jackson jury?

All my melatonin and three-quarters of my nose.

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