The Kafka Questionnaire

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What would Iron Chef Poland's outfit look like?

Welder's mask, steel-toed boots and flame-retardant pants, coat and apron. You've got to take precautions when you're cooking iron.

What's the perfect piece of classic rock to pillage for a Trojans commercial?

T. Rex's "Bang a Gong." We'd just change "gong" to something else in post.

What's the next Xtreme sport

I know poker's super exciting as is, but it could get Xtremer.

What can be done to reverse the steep decline of the Miss America Pageant?

The Make-out Competition.

How do you tell the Olsen twins apart?

Mary-Kate always cooks breakfast.

Frank Perdue died recently; how did the chickens take the tragic news?

His chickens? They probably clapped their phantom wings.

What would you wear while working with Betty Crocker Supermoist German Cake Mix?

A condom.

"Yeah, we've got the good stuff." Whose tagline?

I can't remember. Thank God there's a New York Advertising Week to remind me of these things.

Has Casual Friday become too casual?

No, but it's gotten too touristy. Casual Monday is where it's at.

Should fat kids be allowed to sue their parents?

Sure. And they should sue cable providers and videogame companies, too. What we need is more lawsuits.

After the low-carb craze, what's the next idiotic beer trend?

"Energy beer." I can't believe that's not a joke.

What's the perfect job for Dan Rather?

Chief Advisor to the President.

Name the first Ann Coulter signature sex toy.

The Ann Coulter Official Strap-on, "with real cussing action."

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