It's rampant. Have you seen the size of the brains on those guys?
What do you see when you look up at the glass ceiling?
My boss' underwear.
What's worse and why: a Spam
sandwich or cannibalism?
Spam. There's way more nutritional value in eating somebody, unless it's Nicole Richie. There's not enough fat on her to even make gravy.
What's the matter with Tom Cruise?
De Beers has been encouraging men to give their girl a big shout-out in public for years now, preferably in Italy with a bunch of pigeons taking flight. Tom's lunacy can be blamed on the ad industry.
Should fat kids be allowed to sue their parents?
Yes. And they should get extra damages for bad haircuts and bad outfits.
What kind of guy buys a Hummer?
The kind who can't tell the difference between real and fake boobs.
The late Saul Bellow fathered a child when he was 84. Name a more impressive feat from your own life.
I squeezed out two.
Do you ever have time for a Snickers?
When I have time for my ass to get huge, I'll have time for a Snickers.
How is a container of Pringles like the human condition?
We're too salty and far too concerned about getting crushed.
What's the nastiest thing you ever said to a client?
"I thought you were going to have that removed."
What else could they do to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show?
Have a mandatory players' spelling bee.
What product are you waiting to see on a 30-minute infomercial?
Tom Monahan's Do it Yourself Lobotomy.
Does Coca-Cola ever make you smile?
Yes, when I clean the bathroom. Due to its high acid content, Coke makes an excellent toilet bowl cleaner.