The Kafka Questionnaire

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How do you really know if you're a Mitchum Man?

Your ass gets sweaty watching gladiator films.

Pfizer just invented Viagra for dogs. What should they call it?

Leghumpitor.

Why isn't there more nudity on C-Span?

There isn't a lens wide enough to fit Ted Kennedy's ass in the frame.

What's the single most important way the late Bob Denver of Gilligan's Island changed your life?

His invention of the coconut phone.

There's actually a packaged good on the supermarket shelf called Hot Nuts. Give this product a more politically correct name.

New Improved Hot Nuts. "Free chin guard inside!"

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle-what's the next movie title with a product placement?

Paris and Britney Rob a Liquor Store With a Kotex.

Invent the most preposterous corporate name for a sports stadium.

The Halliburton Graft-O-Dome.

Is the internet everything you were hoping it would be?

The other day someone said that you can get more than just porn on it, but I haven't seen that yet.

What's the most preposterous rock tour corporate sponsor and what's the name of the tour?

No Child Left Behind presents R. Kelly.

Where does Dick Cheney really spend most of his time?

Under the paddles of his defibrillator.

How much did you miss NHL hockey?

My mother is Canadian, so we've just been trying to pick up the pieces and put our lives back together.

How big a problem is steroid abuse in the World Chess Federation?

Have you seen the fingers on those guys?

What should Christo wrap now that he's done with Central Park?

Leftovers at Tavern on the Green.

What would you wear while reading Toni Bentley's memoir of anal sex, The Surrender?

I've never heard of her. By the way, do you happen to have her phone number?

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