The Kafka Questionnaire

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Is the internet everything you were hoping it would be?

I never got over being rated a 2 on

Has shampoo ever given you an orgasm?

Yes. And I had my first three-way with the 'poo and the conditioner.

You're pitching the Hanes Edible Panties account; what's your tagline?

"Now with 10% real juice."

How would you kill all the Keebler Elves?


What should McDonald's slogan really be?

"Ignorance is bliss."

What will the next Queer Eye spinoff show be called and what's it about?

Bear Bag for the Fag Hag. Hairy gay guys show their female friends how to get stains out of their bags.

Do you know anybody who actually watches all the commercials?

People in bars. But they don't hear them.

What's the next thing to be merchandised from The Passion of the Christ?

Cheesus Jesus, the new nacho cheese-flavored communion wafers. "Savior the flavor!"

What's Abu Ghraib girl Lynndie England's first product endorsement?

Con Ed.

How do you tell the Olsen twins apart?

One's older.

What do you get if you cross Jessica Simpson with Dr. Phil?

Phil Sims.

Have you ever considered getting a Bill Bernbach


I already have Ogilvy on my left cheek.

What will Kelly Osbourne be doing 10 years from now?

Feeding Ozzy apple sauce.

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