Five Shocking Things Donald Trump Left Out of His Hillary-Bashing Speech

Why'd You Hold Back, Donald?

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So Donald Trump's Wednesday Hillary-bashing speech went down and the biggest take-away, the one line the media is quoting ad nauseam, is "Hillary Clinton may be the most corrupt person ever to seek the presidency of the United States."

But there are plenty of other explosive soundbites in the operatically over-the-top speech. For instance, this line: "No secretary of state has been more wrong, more often, in more places, than Hillary Clinton. Her decisions spread death, destruction, and terrorism everywhere she touched."

Donald Trump speaks about Hillary Clinton on Wednesday.
Donald Trump speaks about Hillary Clinton on Wednesday. Credit: YouTube

As news organizations take apart Trump's speech (see "Fact-Checking Trump's Speech" from NBC News and "Donald Trump's Speech: What You Missed and Our Fact Checks" from The New York Times), questions about it remain. Like: Donald, why'd you hold back? A nonstop barrage of dubious statements and distortions about your competitors didn't hurt you during the primaries.

The Trump brand has become a take-no-prisoners brand!

So if you're going to say stuff like, basically, Secretary Clinton was a globetrotting merchant of death... well, if you're going to go that far, why not go all the way?

Here, some suggestions for how Trump can really take down Hillary Clinton in his next speech and/or in attack ads:

• Hillary Clinton, when she was Secretary of State, a lot of people don't know this, but she would take time out from her schedule, everywhere she went -- everywhere! -- to drown puppies and kittens. This is true. This is true! She would have her aides take puppies and kittens from local children -- just rip those pets right from their arms -- and then she'd personally drown those kittens and puppies in the bathtub of whatever luxury hotel she was staying at. Sad!

• When you see photos of Hillary Clinton, she is always wearing a lot of makeup. Always! A lot! And you know why? Because she's got heavy five-o'clock shadow on her upper lip from shaving her mustache. And you know what kind of mustache she has? A little square Hitler mustache. Because Hillary Clinton is Adolf Hitler. Hillary is literally Hitler. That's another reason why she wears so much makeup -- because she's 127 years old. She's 127 years old and she's Adolf Hitler and she's transgender and she thinks she should get to use the women's restroom.

• Hllary Clinton treated the State Department like her own personal ATM. She was constantly taking money from corrupt regimes -- like Nigeria, which loved Hillary so much they made her a prince. A Nigerian prince! A prince, not a princess. Because, remember, she's a man. Hillary Clinton has a penis. So Nigeria likes Hillary so much, they make her royalty, they make her a prince, and as a Nigerian prince, while she was still Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton was behind all of those Nigerian prince email scams that got your poor Nana to wire her money. That was Hillary! Prince Hillary! And that's the reason why she kept all her email on that private server.

• Remember that time 15 years ago when you parked your car on the street and someone smashed the window on the passenger side and yanked out your radio-CD thing, and scratched up your dashboard real bad because they used a screwdriver or something to get it out? And then you saw that they rifled through your CD case and they left most of your music but they took your "Very Best of Daryl Hall & John Oates" album? That was Hillary that did that. A lot of people don't know this, but Crooked Hillary is a thief -- literally a thief. And you know what she did with the money she got from stealing car stereos? She gave it to the Saudis.

• You know what Hillary Clinton tells everyone? That she was born at Edgewater Hospital in Chicago, Illinois. But the truth is, she wasn't born at Edgewater Hospital, she wasn't born in Chicago, and she even wasn't born in America. She was born in Tijuana -- Tijuana, Mexico! -- and her American birth certificate is a fake. A fake! That's another reason Hillary Clinton wears so much makeup. Because she's Mexican but she doesn't want you to know that. Hillary Clinton is Mexican Adolf Hitler!

Simon Dumenco, aka Media Guy, is an Ad Age editor-at-large. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.