The Kafka Questionnaire

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If Buddy Lee married Barbie, what would their children look like?

Ernest Borgnine.

What piece of classic rock would you buy to sell a pregnancy test kit?

Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax."

What does the Energizer Bunny eat for lunch?

Nothing, he's a robot.

Why does Winky the Cornnuts Crow have only one eye?

I don't eat Cornnuts and I don't know Winky, but I have eaten some crow in my day. If I had to guess, I'd suspect some farmer shot it out while Winky was raiding his field.

What is the Pets.com sock puppet doing now that his site folded?

I think my dog is using him as a chew toy.

Who's your dream client, and why?

One who has confidence and trust.

Devise a mathematical formula that calculates the dimensions of the typical creative director's ego.

Years in advertising x number of awards + (square root of their salary divided by 2) minus the amount of creative teams working under them + the times per day someone says "Good" or "Great idea" to the creative director's face. A result over 2,000 requires additional oxygen to be pumped into any room the CD might be occupying.

What product should Attorney General John Ashcroft endorse?

Condoms.

What dot-com would you most like to see bite the dust?

Already has.

What will be the title of your best-selling autobiography?

Wait, Stop Laughing, That's Not the Punchline!

What does the XFL really need to do to draw young males in droves?

Lap dances.

Who would make the perfect new Maytag Repairman?

Ernest Borgnine.

What would Madge the Manicurist do for a living if she lost her hands?

Stop annoying us.

What kind of people are in your dream focus group?

None. Not everyone will or should get it.

Have you ever wished you were an Oscar-Mayer wiener?

No. Do you have any idea how those things are made?

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