NEW YORK (AdAge.com) -- Looking to waste time, money and patience?
Good, because there's an app for that. Lots of apps, even.
Somewhere in the veritable ocean that is Apple's prolific App Store (and increasingly, Google's Android Market), smartphone addicts can find a free or nominally priced mobile software to do just about anything -- from ordering lunch at Chipotle to identifying a song playing at a bar and instantly downloading it to auto-tuning your own singing voice to mimic the electro stylings of rapper T-Pain.
Still, somewhere among the more than hundreds of thousands of third-party apps available in the App Store alone, there are bound to be a proportionate number of duds. Here are seven of the Wild Wild Web's more egregious offenses against your productivity (and, more than likely, your social life).
Pocket Heat, 99 cents
Stuck in a cold office or trapped in an abysmal crevice somewhere in the Himalayas? Just fire up this handy space-heater button, and before you know it the tingle of disappointment and shame will be indistinguishable from the actual heat waves you were hoping for. And best of all, your battery will last way longer (just lay off the 3G).
iLickit-Crazy Lick Game, $1.99
If you think that an app built on the notion of actually licking your $400 smartphone is juvenile or unhygienic or generally disgusting, you're actually wrong. The makers of the all-too-real "iLickit-Crazy Lick Game," which encourages users to actually lick (with their tongues) "plates" of virtual food remnants served to them by an ornery, tech-challenged old Grandma -- but not before sterilizing their iPhone screens with alcohol or covering them with saran wrap. Because that's obviously the proper, civilized way to do it. Duh.
Hold On!, 99 cents
This app proves that despite the astounding technology that converged to create the iPhone and iPad, and myriad of potential uses for constructive good both offer, it really is the simple, stupid things in life we delight in the most. For less than a dollar, you can see how long you can keep your sweaty finger planted on a single button in the middle of an unsettling red screen. A handy timer will keep record of your "achievement" for posterity, and your time will be measured against other users'. And that's about it. The point? Well, one user/reviewer put it best: "The point of this game is to hold a freakin' button until ... you actually have a life." Sounds about right.
Metal Detector, free
Say you can't find your keys, but you know they are somewhere within a 2-inch radius of you. Thank goodness for your Droid! With one of several creatively dubbed "Metal Detector" apps, you can use Droid's compass hardware to help aid your mini-search. Sure, you have to be virtually touching the metal item you're looking for in order for the app to react to it, which arguably renders its utility null and void, but it's one of the only remaining tricks "Droid does" that the iPhone "can't." (Or "wont." Or "can't be bothered to" because it's completely pointless. Whatever.)
Cell Phone Tracker Pro, 99 cents
Not sure who should be more ashamed in this scenario: the person who so underestimates his/her friends' intelligence as to run this half-baked GPS con job, or the hapless, wide-eyed friends who fall for it. Playing off Americans' born and bred fear of Big Brother (as well our acute voyeurism), this app promises, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, to locate any cellphone's location on planet Earth using just the phone number itself. The idea seems to be that in demonstrating this app to your dimmer friends, you offer to use one of their numbers to prove it actually works. When the GPS-locator zeroes in on your general location (which, as a crucial point of apparently overlooked fact, is their general location, too), "oohs" and "aahs" are supposed to ensue. But if the Cell Phone Tracker Pro's overwhelmingly negative reviews on iTunes are any indication, they probably won't.
Vuvuzela 2010, free
Sometimes, there can't be too much of a bad thing -- which would seem to explain the unfortunate creation of the Vuvuzela 2010 app for iPhone and iPad, which celebrates and perpetuates the blood-curdling wail of the ubiquitous horn used by South African soccer fans during World Cup matches. Just like the actual horns, which came under marked criticism during this year's matches, use of this app around others will likely be met with outrage, threats of violence, incremental loss of critical brain function and banishment from all match viewings, all of which are well-deserved.
Fart Studio -- Revolutionary New Farting Surface!, 99 cents
Steve Jobs' app utopia may be famously "free from porn," but apparently flatulence is still a welcome resident. Thanks to the unspeakably disgusting "Fart Studio -- Revolutionary New Farting Surface!" iPhone and iPad users can create sonic works of art by digitally manipulating recordings of ... well, farts. These sounds come in various incarnations (which, horrifyingly, include "Meaty," "Gas Cloud" and "Corn Chowder") and can be activated on a timer or via remote from a connected device. Though other, simpler farting apps exist, Fart Studio is perhaps the most elaborate -- and, therefore, easily the most heinous.