What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: A genuine Civil War cannonball. The ad: This grope-a-dope for Canon and Uniquephoto.com. The verdict: Implants, falsies, filthy-fingered cleavage dives and all the usual lewd and rude boorishness from the men and women who grease the wheels of free-market capitalism in this great consumer wonderland of ours.

And I thought girls stuffed with Kleenex!

Jim Rowley


Jim, not only do all the women at Arrco Advertising now think you're a dork for this insensitive remark, but you're being sued by Kimberly-Clark for trademark infringement. Facial tissues, man!

I look day and night for those hidden cleavage-cams. Someday I will find them all.

Matt Glarner


Matt, we tried this ruse many a time at the water cooler, and all it got us was about a year of detention in Human Resources.

I hope this ad runs in enough pubs for the idea to catch on with women, because I just stuck a Nikon EOS 3 down my pants. Say cheese!

Thor Rosenquist


A Jewish Viking, huh? Thor, we're pretty sure it's Canon that makes the EOS, but if you have a camera down there, where do you keep the hammer?

There's nothing like a game of health and beauty aids bingo among friends. "Exfoliating scrub! Pumice stone! Oh, Bernice, that's your nipple." Yet another reason why you've never heard of a "Canon moment."

Anette Young


Thanks, babe, this is a brainstorm. We're heading to the water cooler right now to try this out. Heads up, ladies, it's fun time!

Wow! The Republicans are going hog wild with this `inclusion' thing. Showing family photos of Dick Cheney's daughter and her lesbian lover playing touchy-feely games. How will the Democrats top this?

Joe Guyt


How about Karenna Gore and Warren Christopher in a streaming web video called Puppet Love?

I searched every C-cup in the office and didn't even come up with one lousy roll of film! There's just no truth in advertising anymore.

Craig Morgan


Craig, come to our office and pick up Matt on your way over. We might as well do our detention together, we can play old maid or hearts or something.

Look, when you want to cop a feel, you gotta cop a feel.

Laura Marince


Exactly what we told that Mrs. Grundy in HR! Laura, you rock, can we use you as a character witness? No? Well, is joining our staff as a massage therapist out of the question?

By golly, that's it! I'll stuff my bra with cameras and personal care products. Screw saving up for that boob job.

Tes Sawyer


Tes with one S, huh? Did you stuff the other S in your bra too?

What concerns me more than the headline is the "Order now for Father's Day!" Just what did we have in mind for Daddy, anyway?

Teri Hanny


Look, on Mother's Day, you can have Richard Simmons and Harvey Fierstein bobbing for apples in a Jacuzzi, just as long as we don't get another friggin' drill-bit set.

Canon has taken the bold step of combining advertising featuring lesbians with its Medical Imaging Division for mammography.

Charley Brough


Charley, you're a genius! Matt, Craig, listen up: we're all enrolling in Boces to become mammogram technicians. Throw away your bingo cards, men!

Wasn't this photo originally used by Dow-Corning's silicone implant division in their now famous campaign, "They look so real, you'll have to feel them for yourself"?

Jeff Antman


Jeff, you're not one of those Atlantic City bus drivers who likes to sit really old people over the back wheels and then hit all the potholes, are you?

Hey, isn't that a picture of Herbert "Cowboy" Coward in the background? You know, the Toothless Man from Deliverance? "You got a purty mouph."

Tony Johnson


Tony, this is the single most irrelevant and trivia-deranged entry we've received in quite some time - so it wins. We frankly have no idea what you're talking about, we haven't seen Deliverance in ages, but who cares. You're probably a schizophrenic who plays dueling banjos with himself, but that's OK too. Take your cannonball and go extreme bowling with it, you'll end up starring in a Nike spot.

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