The Kafka Questionnaire

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If you ran for President, who would be your running mate?

God.

The Teen Choice Awards are coming up. What award are you most likely to win?

Best male creative director who tells you he's Canadian within the first five minutes of meeting him. But the competition is stiff.

When Charlie the Tuna dies, will he be packed in oil or water?

He'll be flash frozen in his own juices.

Do you think you'd be more creative if the computer hadn't been invented?

A good artist never blames his tools. For the rest of us, the computer is a perfect excuse.

Tony the Tiger vs. the Dreyfus Lion in a Celebrity Big Cat Death Match. Who wins?

Animated characters can be run over by a steamroller or a safe can fall on them head and they still get up. The lion can be taken down by a thorn, or in the case of the Dreyfus lion, a 70-year-old man named Greenspan. My money is on Tony.

What's your favorite MP3 download?

Sorry I must be old fashioned, I'm still listening to CDs.

Who would be your Phone a Friend if you were on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

My running mate for President.

If you had a Mafia-style nickname that related to your job, what would it be?

Izzy "Or Isn't He" DeBellis.

If you left advertising, what would be your dream job?

A chef.

If George W. Bush were available for promotions, what product should he endorse?

Viagra.

Who would you rather see cloned? Jerry Della Femina or George Lois?

The Hamptons needs more restaurants, so I guess that would have to be Jerry.

What's the worst breakfast cereal you ever ate?

I don't eat breakfast.

What would the offspring of Speedy Alka-Seltzer and Madge the Manicurist look like?

Like David Spade, only taller.

Have you ever squeezed Charmin?

I'm only allowed to buy recycled toilet paper. I'll never get to squeeze it.

What does "Time to make the donuts" really mean?

It means it's time for the employees of Dunkin' Donuts to go in the back room and complain about how badly underpaid they are and put cigarettes butt (the secret ingredient) in the donut batter.

If Bill Bernbach came back to join the living, what would be the first thing he'd do?

He1d go to the offices of DDB and kick some ass.

David Ogilvy: boxers of briefs?

He's done research on this, and according to Mr. Ogilvy black type on white briefs are much easier to read than black type on boxers.

What Web domain name would you like to own?

Microsoft.com. Then I could sell it back to Bill Gates for millions. Microsoftsucks.com would have the same effect.

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