Jeff, in the case of nuclear holocaust, would you rather be having a cold one on the Mrs. or having a cold one? For that matter, would you rather have DeBeers or da beers? Just as we thought. So get outta here with this.
Take jewelry. Fence jewelry to Guido the Rat. With cash in claw, head to Hickory Farms and get giddy on the gouda.
Jason, we've got great news. We took the liberty of forwarding your entry to the American Gouda Council, and you've been hired as in-house creative director. That "Get giddy on the Gouda" line absolutely bowled them over. How soon can you relocate to Armpit, Wisconsin, man?
The original concept called for the jewelry to be hung on an impossibly large uncut diamond. On the way to the shoot, the AD and the photographer's assistant got impossibly stoned, and suddenly the cheese idea made so much more visual sense. The copywriter was already strung out on crack, so the tagline practically wrote itself.
So, Tim, if ads created while ripped outta your gourd are so bad, how do you explain all that garbage from the Partnership?
After Lot's wife is turned to salt, he skips to Norway on a fake passport. But he is swiftly tracked down by the Almighty, who sends him packing again and turns his new wife into a pillar of Jarlsberg.
Kihm D. Winship
Kihm, we forwarded your entry to the American Jarlsberg Council, and they're offering you a job in Oslo stamping those dyes on the rind.
Note to Adornis.com (or is it Adomis.com?): You've overestimated the power of cheese. Note to Creativity: You've underestimated the power of kerning.
Andy, we're only too aware of the serious letter-spacing problems in the Contest box. It's Feta, our Quark expert. She's a Cyclops, and they have very poor depth perception. We're dropping hints about it, giving her Jerome Kern tapes to play on her Walkman, but we've gotta be delicate here. She's 19 feet tall and she eats an entire goat for lunch every day with a side order of enough grape leaves to wrap the friggin' Acropolis.
The mouse idea was introduced at the last minute as a substitute for the more risqu‚ "Bed Her Like Cheddar" campaign.
Jeremy Bear? Is your desk near the woods? Anyway, great news, dude. We passed that "Bed her like cheddar" line along to the American Cheddar Council, and they flipped. You're in as the new exec CD. How fast can you relocate to Buttcrack, Wisconsin?
Confucius say, "He who cut diamond also cut cheese."
Dallas, "Confucius say" jokes are against the law now. We had to forward your entry to the American Tolerance Council, and they're pressing felony charges. How soon can you relocate to Attica?
Adomis: Now even cheesier!
Another guy who thought it was Adomis. Chuck, we checked out Adomis.com, and it's all in French, themed "Supermarch‚ ... domicile," which we're sure means "Great sex at home." Hey, Jeff, is that an oxymoron, or what?
Adonis.com is actually a porn site trying to skirt under your local Net Nanny program with a harmless cartoon. I see Tom & Jerry wearing gold handcuffs and re-enacting their favorite parts from 9 1/2 Weeks.
Adonis.com, huh, Chris? We checked, and there is no Adonis.com on the Web. We'll go halfsies with you on this kinky-rodent-sex idea, bro, and we can get Richard Gere as our backer. So to speak.
Oh, that's how you get Minnie Mouse into bed. I didn't realize she was such a gold-and-cheese-diggin' slut.
No, this is how you get Minnie Driver into bed, Tony. You wanna get Minnie Mouse into bed, then get the hell away from us, ya filthy pervert. But whip out your Visa and become a member of Adonis.com first.
Does this ad mean that I can give my wife a pound of cheddar for our anniversary and tell her, "My mouse made me do it?"
Wait till the "Bed Her Like Cheddar" campaign gets rolling, and not only can you safely lay some extra sharp Cracker Barrel on her for your anniversary, you can give her a slab of Velveeta for her birthday. If she divorces you, you'll be a Kraft Single, it's no biggie.
If the mouse in question is a literal mouse, perhaps the dilemma can be phrased, "How do I get those inedible shiny round things off that lovely hunk of Parmesean?"
Nora, you tell us in a P.S. that you're a receptionist. Not anymore you're not. You're freelancing for the American Parmesan Council and you're our new personal secretary. How fast can you relocate to our cube? Oh, sorry about the prize. Stuart Little bought his 'Rolex' out of an attache case on Fifth Avenue. It already broke.
This Month's Contest
This is for the Reebok Classic Marathon Racer. The fine print tells us this repulsive nude guy is Steve Dodds. Oh. Like, who the hell is he and what's he doing with that Komodo Dragon? Drain your reptilian brain at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contest not open to anyone who knows the lyrics to "Karma Chameleon"!