Don't you just hate it when you spill your $500 bag of coke all over your brand new kicks?
Jessica Hagy, email@example.com
Jessica, we forwarded your entry to the Partnership. A team of award-winning, federally-subsidized ad agency deprogrammers will be arriving at your house shortly to fry up some eggs.
"Stick your foot in Acupuncture Cross Trainers for an experience that truly transcends sexual healing. Special cleat-like inner soles - for that walking on pins and needles sensation - provide extreme reflexology action. Just lick, stick and let the endocrine flow go!"
Cynthia Maniglia, firstname.lastname@example.org
Cynthia, nice attempt to get some freelance on this account, and we really like the subtle Marvin Gaye reference.
"Say buh-bye to lil' water bottles. Finally, a salt lick just for ravers! Great for clubs, private parties. Clever detailed sneaker shape irresistibly attracts and distracts! Tranquilizer-dart gun sold separately."
S.C. Darby, email@example.com
S.C., nice attempt to get some freelance on this account, and we really like the subtle Lil' Kim reference.
Scarlet's been out since the 17th century. Hester kicks it a la mode, and Dimmesdale prostrates himself like the libidinous dog he is.
Adam Kline, firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks, Adam, for showing us what happens to your brain after you watch a Demi Moore costume drama.
The sweaty guy is the amalgamation of Al Gore and George W. Bush. The foot in the shoe is the undecided voter.
Daniel Burstein, email@example.com
And the Dr. Scholl's Air Pillo insole is the paper ballot with dimples. Dan, the amalgamation of Gore and Bush is an insufferably pompous, babbling dunderhead who answers to Bore or Gush.
I actually know this guy. He's a hard-of-hearing, dyslexic day tripper. You've heard of licking toads to get a lift? This guy licks toes. The shoe rubber is coated with a waterproofer that increases serotonin levels exponentially. I'm just sorry it took me so long to find out. But I found out.
Darrin Ebbert, firstname.lastname@example.org
Great, the nutcase who stabbed George Harrison is playing. Take a one-way ticket the hell outta here, freako!
I pitched a similar idea to a frozen pole manufacturer client, but he couldn't find the right talent.
Thor Rosenquist, email@example.com
He should've hired Lick Walensa. You're entirely responsible for that lame-ass joke, Thor, and if you don't like it, talk to friggin' Odin.
These shoes are all the rage with the raver kids, who heard a rumor they were made of toad skin.
Steven Lemaster, firstname.lastname@example.org
Again with the toads. What is this crap? Hey, we heard if you suck on the Bud frogs, you'll catch a buzz worth a 12-pack. Don't even think about what happens if you inhale a Clydesdale.
"What's that? The brand manager's nephew would like to be in the ad? Yeah, I think we can come up with something."
Jason Price, email@example.com
Jason, have you been to the Acupuncture website? This is the brand manager.
I saw something like this last Christmas. We ran out of turkey and my cousin showed up late.
Kourtney Johnson, firstname.lastname@example.org
So you ate your cousin?! Kourtney, that's so, like, sexy. The other white meat, indeed!
In the European soccer final, the year's MVP has to lick the referee's Acupuncture sneakers before the game starts, while fans sing in fetishistic ecstasy: "You got to lick it before you kick it!"
Greg "The Greek" Dimeris, email@example.com
We realize you probably wrote this while wearing Frederick's of Hollywood High Riding Vamps with the five-inch clear vinyl see-through heels, but wouldn't this work a lot better with Brandi Chastain's sports bra, Greg? And if Bush eventually wins the so-called election, you'd better change your nickname to "The Grecian."
This is wrong. They take your laces away before they introduce you to your cellmate.
Kihm D. Winship, firstname.lastname@example.org
Kihm, it's this kind of attention to detail that we prize in What the Hell entries. That, and the silent H in your first name, we can't resist it. OK, the fact that your last name is an anagram for sin whip doesn't hurt either. May your Eddie Rabbit's foot keychain unlock all the doors of your future, but be sure to occasionally trim the toenails, they still grow, some kinda weird rigor mortis thing.
This Month's Contest
WIn a whoopee cushion actually made from the brain of Whoopi Goldberg!
We happen to love this "Kick global butt" ad for Risk - one hell of a difficult sell in the age of videogames. But this image is too good to pass up. Getting a little behind in your work? You will when you come up with a new product or service to go with this graphic, and don't hesitate to supply a head, a tag and body copy - so to speak. Get cheeky at email@example.com. Contest not open to licensed sigmoidoscope owners!