What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: Steven Spielberg's kidney. The ad: This FUO for Berkshire hosiery. The verdict: What do you wear on your first party probe? A cargo bay's worth of opinions vary, but everyone agrees you've gotta look good. Wrong, Earthlings. As soon as you get on board they strip you clean and put you in one of those humiliating backwards smocks.

We've got the best ho's in the universe, and everybody knows it. Earth rocks.

Adam Kline


Yes, it's true, they come here from around the galaxy for an around-the-world, but all this alien heat is a major source of global warming. Not to worry. Al Gore, who invented space travel and the vibrator before he invented the Internet, has the solution: Moonbase Monica.

This woman knows that you've got to wear clean panties in case you're in an accident.

Dan Weiss


This is the only you-need-to-look-nice-for-your-unexpected-examination entry we'll run, since you got the garment wrong, Dan. But you can bet we wear lemon fresh panties every damn day, man.

Any woman worth her salt knows nylons were invented by aliens. No human would invent legwear that has the crotch located between the knees of the average wearer.

Angela Zimmerman


Angie, don't be wack. If the crotch of a cool guy's pants must be worn between the knees nowadays, why should nylons be any different? Look on the bright side: If you're having a bad hair day, just wear a ski hat. Or, hell, shave your head.

This is a shiksa who's trying to do the Grossinger's thing, but she went to the Berkshires instead of the Catskills. Note the goyishe getup: Monet jewelry, white gloves, pale hosiery, package of mints in the purse.

Betty Fitterman


Goyishe getup? Betty, we wore this very outfit to our bar mitzvah. And with the tallis thrown carelessly over our shoulder, it was so Audrey Hepburn! Hey, if you can see through the purse, what do you think of our bikini wax?

"Take me to your liederhosen!"

Bill Dussinger


Bill, this is a good try, but Lieder are songs. What you've got here is, "Take me to your songpants," which is the new Levi's tagline, they'll try anything at this point. You want Leder, pronounced LAY-der, which is leather. They're like hot pants with suspenders, and they're part of the official uniform on Moonbase Monica. Actually, they're the whole uniform, except when Tipper visits.

The building in the background is a bank. The aliens need a pair of pantyhose to wear over their heads when they rob it for refusing to exchange their Neptunian currency.

Darrin Ebbert


There's been a terrible misunderstanding, Darrin. The official currency of Neptune is Trident gum, which is why if you ask, "Who wants money?" a Neptunian will shout, "I do, I do!"

Hillary's family finally came back for her.

Ellen Guest


If she loses her senate race, they're going to dump her at Moon-base Monica. Those lederhosen'd legs'll be a big hit with the Pachydermians of Jumbo 7.

This long-suffering woman is looking forward to being transported to a place where you don't need a crowbar to get into control-top hosiery.

Lori Jo Vest


Lori Jo, control-tops are supposed to be horribly constricting, thereby forcing all the blood to your head, making you smarter and more alert. Like, Sheer Energy? And forget the crowbar, that's for shoes. Try buttering your hips and using a pair of plastic spatulas.

OK, I did some research: In 1938, Orson Welles created that War of the Worlds hysteria and Alfred Hitchcock directed The Lady Vanishes. At the 1939 World's Fair, nylon pantyhose were introduced. The team that came up with this is stuck in a time warp.

Arlene Distel


You see, people? Research! We bet you wrote this while wearing control-top panythose, right, Arlene?

The aliens are smart. If they blow a fan belt on the way back to Pluto, they can get by with one of her stockings.

Chris Poisson


Their ship has a fan belt? Are you wearing knee-highs or what? Dude, Pluto is like -3,000 Fahrenheit, and that's without the wind chill. They must spend a fortune on anti-freeze. Wait till they find out the price of gas down here, they'll shit a booster rocket.

Q: Why did June Cleaver cross the road? A: To pick up a stylish pair of support hose manufactured with alien technology. Yeah, I know. Cliche. But I'm suffering from writer's block, and the supportive CD tells me that the only way to get over it is to write. You're the first feeble step on the long and painful road to recovery.

Tracy Levitz


Tracy, take a victory orbit. The kidney is yours, you deserve it. We haven't been called a "first feeble step" since our honeymoon. Can we butter your hips sometime?

This Month's Contest

Win Stuart Little's Rolex!

This is for Adornis.com, a Web jewelry merchant. So there's this hunk of cheese with a pair of "Circles and Squares" gold and diamond bracelets ($1,500) on it and two matching $995 rings next to it. Headline: "Mouse dilemma." Sorry? What's the dilemma? For a furry mouse or a computer mouse, we can find no dilemma here. The bombastic Adornis tag, "The only intelligent way to buy fine jewelry," doesn't help a bit. Tear your meeses to pieces at creativitymag@sprintmail.com. Contest not open to Nathan Lane or relatives of John Steinbeck!

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