The Kafka Questionnaire

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What would be your dream job if you left advertising?

I would be arrested by an authority I do not recognize; held on undisclosed charges; and imprisoned in an unknown location as the guest columnist for the Kafka Questionnaire.

What is your favorite deadly sin, and why?

Dissing my betters. Because dissing your lessers is not only too expected, it doesn't do enough career damage.

WHAZZZZUUUUUUPPPPP?

Show me your tonsils, bitch.

What would you name a movie based on the story of your life?

Show Me Your Tonsils, Bitch.

How will the Internet affect the future of advertising?

Rephrase that as, "How will advertising affect the future of the Internet," and I'll answer.

What is the most underappreciated American food product?

Clients. God knows I've lunched on them plenty of times.

Why are there so few women in advertising?

The SAG strike.

How will the upcoming end of Beverly Hills 90210 affect your life?

Like 99.9 percent of focus group respondents, I pay no attention to TV.

What ad slogan best describes you?

Come again?

Who would be your Phone a Friend lifeline if you were on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Oddly enough, I find this question highly disturbing.

What's the real reason Angelina Jolie married Billy Bob Thornton?

His Billy Bob.

What's your least favorite cell phone ringer song?

Mine.

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