The Kafka Questionnnaire

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In a recent paper entitled "Snack Food Hedonics and Personality," Chicago neurologist and psychiatrist Alan R. Hirsch alleges that our food choices "reveal inner thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires." So, what'll it be: Cheez Doodles, Twinkies, Skittles or Jujubes, and why?

Twinkies with Jujubes sprinkled on 'em. Cheez Doodles stain my gums.

Really? Hmm, interesting. And what does that say about you?

Hard on the outside. Creamy on the inside. And sticky, nonetheless.

What's the best meal anyone ever cooked for you? What was the occasion?

Ox Tail Stew, made with dark beer -- I just got out of jail for tax evasion.

Your dentist proposes a barter. She gets your pearly-whites in tip-top shape if you come up with a great ad for her and her practice. Do you accept? What'll your ad look like?

Well, as a freelancer, I'd . . . hey! Are you calling me a whore?

You don't think we have some kind of oral fixation, do you?

So you heard, eh?

The Internal Revenue Service has been trying to become less threatening to taxpayers, more customer-friendly. What advice can you give the IRS?

Stop picking on whores!

That's all well and good, but we think the IRS needs a nice new slogan. What do you propose?

"Support your local whore house, pimp daddy."

The IRS has a piece of advice for you, too: `Hurry the hell up already.' See, it's March and you now have just five weeks to get that tax return in order. Why do you always procrastinate so?

Can I answer that one later?

What's the best thing about paying taxes?

Nothing. Paying taxes is right up there with shitting a basketball. Come to think of it, it's a lot less difficult, but much more painful.

What will you do with your refund?

Fix the windows on my Unibomber pad in Topanga.

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