I can't wait to see the TV :30. Casting shouldn't be a problem . . .
Tim Holland, email@example.com
Yup, Tim, this is Jackass Nation, where watching a guy staple his nutsac to his knee is now considered mainstream "entertainment." In fact, Steve-O is the new Staples spokesman. "Yeah, I've done that."
"Somethin' smooth's goin' down" is just the kind of thing that two losers say to each other prior to another fruitless night of cruising chicks in an Escort LX.
Adam Siers, firstname.lastname@example.org
Is this the softer side of Siers? It's called an Escort 'cause all it has to do is get you to the escort service, OK?
. . . By the way, if I win, you can donate the scrotal lobotomy to someone else. I got mine the same day I slipped my wedding band on.
Alec Long, email@example.com
Space limitations prevent us from running your entry, Alec, but here's some friendly advice: you're supposed to put the wedding band on your finger.
I'd delete the headline and tagline and just go with, "You've got an inflatable doll and some super glue." That's your ad.
Steve Price, firstname.lastname@example.org
Steve, you really know this demo. They don't own couches and they don't have best buddies.They're psychotic loners who sleep on filthy mattress pads with inflata-babes.
Your buddy crashes on your couch every night because he obviously doesn't have money for a place of his own, let alone real beer.
Steve Yoder, email@example.com
Look, Mr. Snooty Microbrew Sipper: if Budweiser is the King of Beers, then Keystone is the Court Jester of Beers, all right?
Crack is often smoked from beer cans, so this "special lining" is the rock cocaine equivalent of a kung fu grip.
Lex Sidon, firstname.lastname@example.org
We can't respond to this entry right now, we're too busy watching the Lizzie Grubman women's prison webcam. She's backing into the shower room without looking!
. . . then I saw the ominous figure in the back of the ad, and you can imagine what scene I created in my head . . .
Cheryl Laudicina, email@example.com
Ominous figure?! You're hallucinating, must be a Keystone overdose. Cheryl, don't move, we'll be right over in an Escort LX, you need a nice lie-down on our mattress pad.
Note to Keystone: Your customers are lower-income drunks. Lay off the word puzzles already. (Solution: The missing letters in "Somethin' smooth's goin' down" spell "gig," thus the unconsciousness, doll and glue.)
Kyle Curtis, firstname.lastname@example.org
Dude, you're good. You must kill on The Sunday Times of London word search. You win, and as a bonus you're getting free tix for you and your doll to the Stones' Licks tour. It's called that because they're too old to put their teeth in anymore. We're still amazed they made it past the '89 Steel Wheelchair tour.