What the hell is going on here?

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The prize: A lifetime supply of nibs. The ad: This dark, foreboding question for Montblanc Presence.The verdict: Despite the trauma of hearing George Pataki read the Gettysburg Address, we got Taplights, snow globes, leaky pens and general insensitivity that makes us blush . . . with pride.

This woman is clearly two things: hot and blind. So she asks "Is that you?" but there's no reply. Why? Because her lover is clearly two things: too ugly for print and deaf.

Damion Wasylow, dwasylow@group-5.net

Good God, man, you know how many of the physically-challenged you managed to insult with one entry!? You'd probably think it was funny to hire Mike Tyson as a babysitter!

The funny thing about that ad: When she asked "Is that you?"- that was me.

Thor Rosenquist, thor@sgrp.com

Thor? Yo, Thor! THOR!!

We have secretly replaced this woman's crystal ball with a bottle of Montblanc, but she is unfazed and continues to summon the spirit of her dead poodle, French Fry.

Claudia Ossa, claudia@ossa.tv

Food? That gets us excited about the upcoming pretzel-bombing of Iraq. Dubya's gonna start with a few million tons of sourdough nuggets just to soften 'em up, then he'll move on to the big boys: Pennsylvania Dutch hards with extra salt - the ultimate antipersonnel device! Martha Stewart stock tip: Buy Snyder's of Hanover.

I used this once, and beautiful women kept saying, "Do you know that you have black ink smeared all over your face?"

Tom Federico, federict@fleishman.com

So you suavely replied, "I'm actually Al Jolson. Wanna be my Mammy?"

Buy the Montblanc fragrance and receive four Taplights free! (Model not included.)

Julia Laricheva, xximportxx@hotmail.com

We had a great joke here . . . but it's fallen and it can't get up!

"Yes, darling, I'm here. And I brought you a nuclear snow globe."

Jessica Hagy, jhagy@yahoo.com

Cool! We got one of these at the Three Mile Island gift shop, along with a glow-in-the-dark atomic toilet seat and a Thyroid Roy bobblehead.

The creative team here consisted of John Edwards of Crossing Over and the late Jay Chiat, who no doubt had a great ad in mind, which unfortunately has been entirely muddled in the process of "crossing over."

Mark DiMassimo, mark@dimassimo.com

Jay actually went to virtual heaven. Every day he has to sign out a harp and a pair of wings and then find an unused cloud.

"Montblanc: The fragrance for bellhops."

Joel Barratt, mystifier@yahoo.com

Only a CEO like "Neutron" Jack Welch can afford Montblanc. GE, in fact, just changed its slogan to "We bring good things to Jack's life." The guy is so randy, according to his ex he numbers Raquel Welch and Jimmy Neutron among his illegitimate children.

Hey, what's all the fuss? This goes perfect with my Parker underarm deodorant and my Bic hair gel! Now if Pilot would only start to tackle nagging feminine itching . . .

Joe Sacco, jsacco@sgrp.com

Joe, thanks for coming out as a transgendered adperson. This is an unusual forum for that sort of thing, and we salute you. Just to show you we're not an insensitive boob like Damion, you win. P.S. oatmeal baths.

This Month's Contest

Win a free scrotal lobotomy!

Keystone Light beer. Art direction: There isn't any. Headline: "Your best buddy just crashed on the couch. You've got an inflatable doll and some super glue." That's it. Tag: "Somethin' smooth's goin' down." Excuse us for being truly mystified. We note the absence of the usual "Drink responsibly" crap, and the inclusion of a "21 means 21" logo, but this isn't helping us. What particular scenario is evolving here, what does it have to do with beer and what is Keystone's "specially lined can," which seems to be its big selling point, lined with? Pour us a smoothie at terryk@crain.com. Contest not open to residents of Pennsylvania!

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