Andrew Jeske, firstname.lastname@example.org
We salute you for admitting you're old enough to remember the Schaeffer jingle, Andy. Some geezer in sales told us what it was, we'd never have known. If we weren't so young this would make us think of, "My beer is Rheingold, the dry heave . . ."
I'm the art director of this poster and I was forced, once again, to "wrist' another "edgy" headline for our tyrannical copywriter, Joe.
Michael Stodola, email@example.com
Well! It's not every day we get an entry from one of the guys who perpetrated the crime, Mike. But isn't it always that way? The AD blames the writer. You freakin' weasel!
It makes sense because, "You'd want to engage in reverse peristalsis to taste it again," seems a bit long.
Gregory Borden, firstname.lastname@example.org
Oh, really? Another ad in the campaign, and we're not making this up, is, "Shake once if you like Harbor City beer, shake twice if you love it. (We'd go on, but the guy next to you looks nervous.)" OK, it's a urinal ad, they're supposed to be a homophobic 30-second read, but the use of parentheses is pretty bold, no?
I've tested this theory on numerous occasions and, unless this new brew contains peas, carrots and Salisbury steak, the consumer will be sadly disappointed.
Maysel Markham, email@example.com
You forgot the corn. "The beer that eats like a meal! Twice! (Now with niblets!)" Mike, warm up your wrist.
"The favorite beer of Ralphs, Roys and Bruces everywhere."
Chet Nichols, firstname.lastname@example.org
Chet, kindly report to HR for some sensitivity training. You realize there's a guy out there somewhere named Ralph Roy Bruce who gets cookies tossed at him everywhere he goes?
The proofreader must have called in sick the day this was routed - the subhead should read, "Really good beer." Duh!
Kristin Miller, email@example.com
Kristin, a close inspection of the ad reveals it reads, "Real. Good. Beer." Makes sense now, right? Anyway, the only thing their proofreader checks is the alcohol content of toilet water.
The copywriter felt so bad about the ad he placed that subtle "Real good" warning next to the glass. A mail-it-in line like that is obviously a cry of moral remorse.
Brian Howe, firstname.lastname@example.org
Oh, yeah? We have no reason to believe Joe has any regrets. Mike CC'd him on his entry, and Joe had nothing to say in his defense. He's probably strutting around Milwaukee like he's Upchuck Heston.
This figures to compete head-to-head with Budweiser's new pilsner brand, Karen Carpenter Light.
Thor Rosenquist, email@example.com
Wait, we've got the urinal ad! "We've only just begun drinking KC Light, which is not a beer only for rainy days and Mondays. (Is the guy to your right standing too close to you?)"
"It tastes so good, you'd share a leper's bottle!"
Scott Dixon, firstname.lastname@example.org
Speaking of disabilities, the last ad in this series is "Good to the last hop." Excellent play for the amputee market, don't you think?
Give me something new. This one is as old as eating your own poop.
Britt Nolan, email@example.com
Well, Britt, what do you drink with that, friggin' apple juice?
Interesting yet narrow target: Alcoholic, 21-plus supermodels who can read.
Michael Anderson, firstname.lastname@example.org
Yes! It's always open season on stick-limbed dimwits. Dude, please stop by so we can blow lunch together.
This Month's Contest
Win an autographed pair of Bozo the Clown's socks!
We're sure you've all seen the little whatsit in red in the new Diesel ads. Where did it come from? Does it have a sex? More important, does it have sex? Is that its natural hair color? If it works for Diesel, how come it has only one outfit? Honk your happy horn at email@example.com. Contest not open to members of Insane Clown Posse or their families!