What the Hell is Going On Here?

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For a night you won't soon forget, do as the Russians do: mix the water and the Smirnoff into a big bucket, stick it in a snowdrift and go strip-bobbing for beets. Tommy Federico, federict@fleishman.com

What Russian worth his weight in rubles would dilute anything, even Lectric Shave, which Boris Yeltsin has been known to enjoy with caviar and Triscuits? But strip-bobbing for beets, huh? Is that why all the chicks we date have red teeth? We thought it was lipstick.

Maybe Smirnoff is in on it with Charmin. They're pushing us to drink more so we'll pee more; then we'll go through more TP.

Judy Elbel, judy@przyborski.com

Mr. Whipple a Russian agent? That's tough to handle, Judy, right after the news that Madge the Manicurist has been selling nail-care secrets to the North Koreans.

They're stealing business from the roofie market with a powerful point of difference - the retention of memory. I'm tired of waking up in Newark with bloody underwear and no clue. I may switch.

Gary Resch, gresch@fcb.com

What the holy frick were you doing in Newark with our underwear, man!?

This is intolerable Soviet slander of which I will not tolerate! The point is . . . uh, the point is that I have never watered . . . what was the point again? - Boris Yeltsin

C/O Steve Mark, smark@northcastle.com

Steve, you're in touch with Boris? Will you ask him what he thinks of a '96 Mennen Skin Bracer with a nice ripe Stilton?

It's about extreme dehydration caused by drugs and dancing. Some clubs actually shut the water off in the bathrooms so you can't drink from the the tap, then sell bottled water at outrageous prices.

Greg Borowski, gregb@sccadv.com

So that's why all the kids were drinking from the toilets the other night at our nephew Louie's midnight bar mitzvah at Limelight! And Smirnoff endorsing ecstasy use is a ballsy move, now that the White House says we're supporting terrorism by doing drugs. Excuse us, we have to go buy Mullah Omar a new hat.

They're finally admitting that Smirnoff Ice is like having sex in a canoe. In fact, it's so close to water that the caps are interchangeable. Emily Haase, haase@cravermar.com

You had sex in a canoe, Em? Bow or stern? The closest we've been to that is having sex after drinking Canoe.

If this guy was drinking Bacardi, he'd have his tongue in some hottie's navel by now.

Jeff Rogers, jrogers@ewbullock.com

We got several entries from guys who are still playing the last contest. It's the chick, isn't it? Yeah, we can't get that image out of our minds, either. The only time a female spilled booze on us, it was fat aunt Hildy at Louie's bar mitzvah. She drinks out of the toilet without ecstasy.

Translation: Not enough alcohol content to get an Amish pig farmer drunk.

Arthur B. Carmichael III, acarmichael@hgtv.com

We see you're a producer at HGTV, Art. We just wanted to tell you, last week's Barns of the Drunken Amish Pig Farmers totally rocked. But too bad their wives didn't strip-bob for beets.

This is the packaging for Lil' Kim's new line of female condoms, called HO2. It comes with a money-back guarantee if the user gets impregnated or obtains an irritating itch.

Christian Racoma, c_racoma@yahoo.com

This is a winner, and we'd love to have a cold bottle of Old Spice with you some time, but any product endorsed by Lil' Kim is supposed to supply a nasty itch, Chris. Girl got such a stank on, on Valentine's Day we got her flowers from STD.

This Month's Contest

Win a free DVD of Barf Fly: The Special Edition!

It's happy hour one more time! "You'll wanna puke just to taste it again." This is for something called Mile Rock Amber Ale, and frankly, we're confused. Do you puke before you drink the beer, after or during? Do you puke on every sip or once per bottle? Or is "puke" meant, like, metaphorically? Hurl an entry at terryk@crain.com. Bonus points for an even more obnoxious beer headline. Contest not open to anyone who drinks microbrews in tiny bottles!

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