Debbie Minnis, firstname.lastname@example.org
Debbie, you're too kind. Here's a handy taste tip for enjoying a Gardenburger: use the frozen patty for a beer coaster and eat the box.
They're pushing a new rum concoction called the Innie Colada: 1 oz. Bacardi;1/2 oz. sweat; pinch of belly button lint; garnish with navel piercing and serve. What ever happened to drinking champagne from a shoe?
Maysel Markham, email@example.com
Thanks for the recipe, this'll go great with a Gardenburger box. As for the champagne thing, they still do that in Poland, but they use sandals.
It's wet belly night at the local meat market, where you can get a stool dance for a shot.
Cynthia Maniglia, firstname.lastname@example.org
A stool dance? We're not touching that with a 10-foot rubber glove, Cyn.
She finally realized what her mom always said was true: The way to a man's heart is through your stomach.
Craig Morgan, email@example.com
Craig, if this line hasn't been used in a gym ad, get out of the lawn-care business and start a freelance copy career immediately.
Hey Bacardi, have you tried a bat with a big penis for a nose?
Jenny Ballerina, firstname.lastname@example.org
Jen, you must dance a mean Nutcracker.
I never understood the connection between Bacardi and the bat logo. I do know that bats are known for sneaking up on cows and goats and drinking their breast milk.
Julia Laricheva, email@example.com
This is what bats live for, actually, but the poor Bacardi bat can't do that 'cause his nose is so big.
Originally reading, "Vegetarian by Day. Beefeater by Night," some lazy copywriter took his rejected gin headline and simply switched the brand name. Thus proving once again how easy it is to pull a fast one on those rummies at Bacardi. Everyone's still waiting for them to realize that they've misspelled "lemon" on all the bottles of Bacardi Limon.
Marisa Kasriel, firstname.lastname@example.org
Spelling means nothing in the booze biz, Marisa. Absolut vodka has gotten it wrong in nine million ads and no one gives a crap.
The ad should be called "Virgin by Day. Drunken Pedophile by Night." How else would you explain opening the wrong lock with the wrong key as the way to seduce a prepubescent wannabe cheerleader in a bar?
Herbert MacDonald, email@example.com
Uh, Herb? Things a little hectic down in Medellin? If this girl is prepubescent, Hallie Eisenberg is a fetus.
It was underwear night at the Veggie Bar. Frank sported a freshly ironed beater and Patty a little black pushup number. After a half-dozen tofu shots, Frank asked Patty if he could sing to their unborn child . . .
Chris Byrnes, firstname.lastname@example.org
But he drunkenly launched into "Gimme a Pig Foot," and she never so much as spoke to him again.
Remember the kid in the playground who stuck his tongue on the metal pole in the middle of winter? Well, boys and girls, looks like he grew up just fine. Yes, just fine, indeed.
Steve Mark, email@example.com
Steve, you're setting a bad example for our junior readers. That little stub you see is all he has left of his tongue. He's getting a sympathy lick, that's all.
He's obviously fond of the nutritious algae that grows in some people's navels. In some cultures, this delicacy must be accompanied by a fine liquor.
Tania Gomez, firstname.lastname@example.org
So where's the fine liquor? But more important, people, don't ever buy that nutritious algae routine when you run into a pervert who refuses to practice navel hygiene. Nine times outta 10 it's a totally skeevy fungus, all right? Like, been there, done that, and we can tell you one thing, we don't ever wanna have to gargle with Tinactin again.
I would personally like to protest Bacardi's blatant exploitation of the only tongue-to-navel conjoined twins in America. My brother and I also happen to be conjoined, chest to back in fact, and it would take a small fortune to get us in some crazy liquor ad. Any offers may be sent to 100 North Tryon St., Charlotte, N.C. 28202.
Larry (and Barry) Washington
Speaking of sympathy, we admit it, it's a sympathy win, fellas. To others it may seem that life for you guys is just one big piggy-back ride, but we know . . . wait a minute, conjoined twins have to be the same sex, don't they? If you lied about the . . . you conniving scoundrels. Next!
What are they doing? Who cares?? Look at her. Oh, man, she's hot. Look at her tummy. Stop. Must stop looking at her. Must concentrate on contest . . . getting dizzy . . . must keep typing . . . so hard to type . . . with one . . . hand . . . ohhhhhhhhhhhh . . . .
Jon Whaley, email@example.com
Jeez, a hopeless hunt-and-pecker. OK, this is the sympathy win. We bet you sent this entry from your cube, you freak! You better be practicing safe text, dude.
This Month's Contest
Win a free lifetime supply of tap water!
Yup, another freakin' booze ad, we admit it, we're on a bender, but this baby begs some serious explication. "Make it a night you won't forget, not one you can't remember." We've got two Smirnoff Ice caps and four caps marked H2O. Meaning exactly the hell what? You mix it with water? You chase it with water? Why water? Or maybe you drink more than two Ices you're blotto? What's the alcohol content on these muthas? Send a helpful memento to firstname.lastname@example.org. And kindly play fast, there's a two-week turnaround this month. Contest not open to Russian amnesiacs!