We're seeing the evolution of that misleading "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand" campaign. (I always ended up with multicolored palms.) They have now smartly added a handle so you only have to touch it with your tongue.
Craig Morgan, firstname.lastname@example.org
Nothing but your tongue touches what you drink, Craig? Woof, dude! You should ask out that hot green M&M chick.
Nescafe Butterfinger Coffee Drink. Why did we make it? Because absolutely every other flavor was taken!
Scott Dixon, email@example.com
You've got a point, Scott. We asked for a black coffee yesterday in Starbucks and the kid said it would take 10 minutes, it had to be special-ordered.
Jell-O-Weiser: "Pudding the world in a much better mood."
Bethany Legan, firstname.lastname@example.org
Yes, there's always room for the king of desserts. This crud's for you! Whass-
throwin'up? This is all your fault, Beth!
This isn't about a new coffee drink - it's about no teeth. Nescafe has found a way for the incisorless masses to enjoy the taste of a classic candy without shredding their gums. Guaranteed to be a hit in the rural backwaters of "My sheep or yours?" Next product? Snickers Slurpee.
Nancy Anisfield, email@example.com
This is our one representative toothless entry, but Nancy, like what's with the lamb slam? You in PETA or something?
I've already created a nutritious food/drink combination product, and have been using it successfully for years: 1 part Hong Su's day-old Kung Pao Chicken; 2 parts Scotch. I call it Breakfast.
Thor Rosenquist, firstname.lastname@example.org
Thor, we don't know whether to tell you to join AA or to stop putting those damn menus in our lobby.
I want to know when I'll be able to slurp down a Brisket Blizzard from Dairy Queen or chomp on a Pulled Pork Starburst (made with 10% real gristle). Now that's added value.
Jason Fox, email@example.com
Look, we're in a recession, new products will have to wait. In the meantime, feel free to stir your coffee with a Slim Jim.
My fine Mexican drink: A Taco Bell Chalupa-flavored tequila. The Chalupacabra.
Ron Logan, firstname.lastname@example.org
Not only is this drink not funny, it's not new - it's Thor's lunch. By the way, Ron, we went to your website and we'll take every T-shirt you've got in XL. Consider it payment for a classified ad.
My concoction: Mocha Meshungina. Demo: Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Kirshenbaum. Ingredients: Mocha Macciato with semi-sweet chocolate matzo balls. Kickass tag: "Oy."
Greg Alan Morelli, email@example.com
We don't know, Greg. Is it a play on Orangina, or are you just a goy trying to say meshuggener? Whatever, you know we're running your entry just 'cause of that cute e-mail handle. Can you drink with just your tongue, like Craig does?
Any hormone-enraged college student will tell you Butterfingers are an aphrodisiac. So if you can't get her to eat one when she's drunk, offer her a nice hot cup of sobering coffee and you're a real caring guy!
Martin Keeler, firstname.lastname@example.org
Marty, we think you're the reason saying so much as "Hello" to a coed is now grounds for expulsion on any Ivy League campus. If you get her pregnant do you give her a Baby Ruth?
Fizzoli: Delicious martini olives and soda water. Killer tag: "Drunk yet?!?" Detail copy: "High-energy olive/pimento drink to top off your evening of martinis."
Stuart Sandler, email@example.com
Thor, you writing this down? And do not leave any Font Diner menus in our lobby!
How about milk flavored with exotic citrus fruits? Nipple Twisters: "Taste the nectar of the gods, from a divine bovine."
Mike Giunta, firstname.lastname@example.org
There's something very suspicious about your milk mustache, dude . . .
Why chew? It's too much like work. The ultimate slacker food turns all your favorite foods into easy-to-swallow hot beverages without the hassle and fatigue of mastication. Save your energy for clicking the remote. Nobody better lay a finger on my couch potato!
Jeffrey Antman, email@example.com
We're not touching that mastication line, Jeff, this is a family publication. But the couch potato idea is brilliant. Placing a spud under your sofa cushions and baking it with your own body heat while you veg in front of the tube: this is the kind of "green" thinking that wins prizes around here. So go to Colombia - it's probably safer there anyway.