The Kafka Questionnaire

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Steve Newman, Associate Creative Director, Grey Worldwide/New York

Invent the most preposterous corporate name for a sports stadium.

Paxil Social Anxiety Stadium.

What's the worst package design of all time?

Salsa in a pi -- ata.

What's the nastiest thing you ever said to a client?

"Your logo should never be bigger than your brain."

Is the internet everything you were hoping it would be?

If there were some way to remotely administer electric shocks to Bill O'Reilly, I'd be satisfied.

Do you skip all the commercials on your TiVo?

I have a ViTo that whacks all the commercials.

You're pitching the Hanes Edible Panties account: What's your tagline?

"No dessert till you clear your panty."

What's the most preposterous rock tour corporate sponsor and what's the name of the tour?

Kleenex Schnozzfest 2003.

What would you wear while working with Betty Crocker Supermoist German Cake Mix?

Trojan Lederhosen.

How would you kill all the Keebler Elves?

I'd call Orkin & Kevorkian.

What brand of jeans will be trademarking "pockets of resistance"?

Banana Republican Guard.

If 50 Cent has a brother named Two for a Dolla, what's their sister's name?

Loose Change.

What's the female equivalent of Mountain Dew?

Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing.

What's the next Xtreme sport?

Xtreme body-piercing pull.

What vice will Bill Bennett confess to next?

Playing Scratch 'n' Sniff Lotto.

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