The Kafka Questionnaire

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What would be your name if you were named after your first dog and the street you grew up on?

Smokey Taunton.

First choice for a pet: Morris the Cat, Louis the Lizard or the Pets.com sock puppet?

Louis the Lizard. I know him! He lived down the street from me. And he's a good actor.

What is Jay Chiat doing in heaven?

Trying to get Levi's back.

"Yeah, we've got the good stuff." Whose tagline?

My neighborhood drug dealer.

Has Casual Friday become too casual?

I don't know. I don't work on Fridays.

Why does Citibank think money doesn't matter?

They have more than me.

What's your favorite type of guerrilla advertising?

Hookers on Eighth Avenue.

What would the slogan be if Cliff Freeman had the White House anti-terrorism account?

"Yeah, we knew that."

Do you ever have time for a Snickers?

No, too busy dating.

What's the next thing that needs to be microwaveable?

Director's reels.

What is Dave Thomas doing in heaven?

Frying, or playing golf from the ladies' tees.

Now that Ozzy Osbourne is a huge TV star, what should he be endorsing?

The National Dane Blammage Society.

What's the title and plot of the next hit reality TV show?

Why'D Die. A panel of three doctors guesses why a cadaver died. Barrel of money given to the winner. If all guess wrong, the cadaver's family gets the loot.

What's the next magazine to have a youth-market spinoff, and what will the title be?

High Times: Doper.

Could all four Teletubbies kick Joe Pytka's ass?

No! Joe Pytka wins everything. Just ask him.

What would Harry Potter's name be if he was a Hobbit?

Minto Danderfluff. (Looked it up on the internet's Hobbit name generator.)

Would you stand on line for eight hours to see a George Lucas movie?

No. I won't stand on line for anything.

Why do hosts on infomercials always wear sweaters?

To look like your father.

What kind of foods would be in an HDTV dinner?

Entenmann's chocolate-covered donuts; Edy's Girl Scout Cookie ice cream, M&M's chocolate-covered peanuts; and a Grey Goose very dirty Martini with three olives, of course.

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