The Summer Salute to Laddie-Book Beer Ads!

By Tk Published on .

If this Miller Lite ad doesn't knock mad boots, feel free to dog-nose our buttcrack with a pit bull. It's got almost everything: hot babes, bestiality, implied lesbianism (according to widely accepted laddie guidelines, anytime two babes are touching - and they're touching here through what might be called canine contiguity - it's got sapphic overtones) and mixed-gender narrative thrust. You'll notice at the bottom that a babe is actually relating the wet-snout episode to four guys and a babe. So let's add bi-sextuple orgiastics. Observe, too, how the storyteller has her hands in one of those "it was this big" gestures - tack on impure thoughts. This is the Cameron Diaz in kneesocks and pasties of laddie beer ads, OK?

"Here's to girls who drink beer." Yeah, sure, great sentiment. It goes without saying that a small suds paunch hanging over a turquoise-and-silver skull buckle can be hella hot. Except this girl is slim and she isn't drinking beer. Thanks to bad cropping, it's not even clear if she's holding a beer. Moreover, her flesh factor is woefully low for a laddie ad, and the entire photo is fuzzy and blurry in a POV way that implies, "I'm drunk and I'm not a hunk like this guy in the ad and I'll be lucky if I go home with a beagle - or even Rick Santorum." And what happened to those Polish Twins, Coors Light? Are they back to making pierogies already? Even the tagline sucks. The down and the easy part we get, but cold? The babe who's cold isn't down and easy, duh.

Along with having THX-certified farts and playing strip poker with Cameron Diaz at Bill Bennett's Vegas Va-Va-Va-Virtue Room (opening in 2004, it's the first casino to be staffed entirely by defrocked priests from the Boston Arch-diocese), this is every laddie's dream: a babe who is a beer. Screw the fridge! This chick is cold, down and easy! Unfortunately, this Photoshop job is not half as sexy as even the notorious Donald Rumsfeld "camel harem" video (known among the embedded as Papa's Got a Brand New Baghdad, and soon to be seen on Al-Jazeera), so your happy hour has not yet arrived, Michelob.

But hello, Michelob Ultra! Just what carb counting cuties needed, a sub-light beer. So why's the ad in a laddie book? And what's with the concentration cleavage curls? Could this ad really be aimed at . . . laddies? Of course not. It's for all the lesbians who read laddie books. Excellent piece of gay marketing, Michelob Ultra!

Molson is attempting to reinvent itself as the intellectual laddie's brew, hence no babe factor at all. Just one problem: there's no such thing as an intellectual laddie - that would be a dweeb. Dweebs usually get high on Claritin, and when they do booze they make their own Manischewitz from a kit. Nevertheless, we've got some tenacious testo-marketing here, namely a guy holding a pair of puppies, "Floral arrangements tied together with little pieces of hay," and ". . . a new set of 20-inch rims." The latter doubles nicely as a porn excerpt, almost compensating us for the babe vacancy. So this ad is smart and literary, but still sexy - it's the Claire Danes in kneesocks and pasties of laddie beer ads, all right?

"What happens here stays here." Isn't that also the Las Vegas tourism slogan? And what Bill Bennett always says to his croupier? We can only assume that if you drink a Coors in Vegas, something so great'll happen you'll have to crack a Lite, 'cause it'll be best told in that torrid erogenous zone called Miller Time. However, the babe factor here is way lame, but at least the guys are not portrayed as male models but as real young men - the type who'd kill for an hour with one of Carrot Top's groupies and who fervently believe that women's nude apple bobbing should be in the Olympics.

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