AD AGES

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See that cow at Starbucks?

Old McDonald had a farm. So does new McDonald's, aka Starbucks. The coffee chain's product developers nickname customer groups after barnyard animals based on how often they visit Starbucks and how much they spend. Dogs are light users and spenders. Chickens are light users, but visit stores a lot. Pigs are sporadic heavy users. Cows buy a lot and buy often, and are the company's prized customers. They also have four stomachs.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Time's 75th birthday party was the place for overdue introductions -- and potentially awkward ones. With more than 1,200 guests, 263 of whom appeared on Time's cover, famous and infamous mixed with notable and noteworthy. It was the first social event attended by both William Ginsberg, Monica L.'s lawyer, and Bill Clinton. It also was the first time Clinton met ex-Soviet chief Mikhail Gorbachev. Elie Wiesel, concentration camp survivor, could have bumped into Leni Riefenstahl, whose directing career turned infamous when she began producing films for Hitler. Valerie Harper, Rhoda on "Mary Tyler Moore," chatted up Bill Gates at the coat check. Imelda Marcos shared a table with Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian.

Turning nothing into something

No one will be watching Nick at Nite's TV Land May 14 at 9 p.m. ET. So how does that differ much from any other night of the week? The difference is a clever publicist: TV Land got lots of press last week when it announced it will pay tribute to the final episode of "Seinfeld" by running a placard announcing that everyone at the net is watching Jerry and saying TV Land will return in 1 hour. The stunt about the show about nothing will cost TV Land nothing; ads getting bumped that hour will run during promo time elsewhere.

Caddy remarks on a big new truck

Cadillac watchers say the marque's been focus-testing various names for its new sport ute, including LaSalle, Sequoia, Montreaux and Escalate. Caddy sold the LaSalle from 1927-40. Escalate? Sounds well-matched for road rage. Caddy should announce its name in the next week or two. Which brings us to the name-the-Caddy-truck contest Adages announced a few weeks back. So many fine suggestions: Cadillac DeBarge, Cadalot, Coupe De Mud and various mountain ranges and Indian names. But who gets the grand prize of an Adages rubber ducky? Tom Weber of Brookings, S.D., for ... Eldotanko.

HP's world ... bathroom humor

Hewlett-Packard joins the "Seinfeld" fray with a new spot from Saatchi/SF airing on the last episode pushing its new theme of the "Electronic world." . . . SF is the land of movers and shakers. TBWA's taken over Ketchum's space. Riney's moving, with Saatchi set to take over Riney's hallowed ground. Who gets Hal's office? Turns out the space probably will be reconfigured. Steve Silver, Saatchi CD and an ex-Riney hand, says the office is L-shaped with no windows, just a skylight. "It's not a normal person's office," Silver says. "It's for someone who doesn't want to be accessible." Silver jokes Saatchi may turn Hal's office into a restroom.

Compiled by Bradley Johnson with news from Alice Z. Cuneo, Jean Halliday, Ann Marie Kerwin, Louise Kramer and Chuck Ross.

Got an Adage? Tell Brad by phone, (213) 651-3710, ext. 111; fax, (213) 655-8157; or e-mail, brad@crain.com.

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