FIVE AUTEURIST ATTRACTIONS FROM DOUG HARDEE, PRESIDENT AT WOW INC., A VIRTUAL AGENCY BASED IN TAMPA AND NEW YORK

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FOR TOO LONG NOW, AMERICA'S TOP CREATIVE DIREC-tors have toiled in obscurity, creating campaigns, launching brands and making billions for their far less talented philistine clients. When it's an artistic match, why can't the same people who create the commercials star in them? In fact, some superstar creative directors like Bill Westbrook already have experience on the other side of the camera. So I've conjured up some campaigns that will finally give these underappreciated folks the artistic recognition and cultural demigod status they so richly deserve.

Bill Westbrook/Fallon McElligott

Open on Bill Westbrook holding a Hair Club for Men certificate and addressing the camera. He's wearing Diesel jeans, ostrich skin cowboy boots, a dark blue Armani jacket with powder blue Gap button-down shirt and a Banana Republic boarding school tie.

BILL: Hi, I'm Bill Westbrook. I'm not really an actor, but I've played one in TV commercials. I'm here to tell you about the Hair Club for Men and how it changed my life.

Flashback to Bill and beautiful young woman as they walk into the movie theater under Interview With the Vampire marquee.

BILL: One night about a year ago, I took this starry-eyed, young art director goddess to see Interview With the Vampire.

Cut to Bill and date sitting in movie theater with woman staring in trancelike fascination at the screen. Bill is worried.

BILL: As we sat there watching Brad Pitt's flowing mane, Tom Cruise's voluminous curls and Antonio Banderas' massively piled raven tresses, I could feel her slipping out of my power field. Touching my own scalp, I felt light-headed and practically naked sitting there watching these hairy punk actors hypnotize my date. After awhile, she told me she was going to powder her nose and walked up the aisle like a zombie. Twenty minutes later she still hadn't returned, so I went to the lobby to find her.

Cut to Bill's date and Joe Pytka in a passionate embrace next to the popcorn machine.

BILL: And there she was, making out with Joe Pytka, running her fingers lasciviously through his leonine locks. Talk about deflating. Hell, it wasn't Joe's fault, he told me later he always hangs out around Interview With the Vampire theater lobbies because everyone thinks he's the stylist.

Cut back to studio. Bill with very long hair. He's very animated and excited.

BILL: Well, as you can see, I'm no dummy. If you want to score with the chicks, join the Hair Club for Men and do what I did. Get a Pytka 'do and direct. Cut to Bill and Joe Pytka with young micro-mini'd dates, all walking arm in arm down Melrose Place.

Ted Sann/BBDO

Open on Chris Farley of SNL walking cheerfully down a Soho street on a beautiful afternoon. He smiles blissfully at strangers who look at him as if he's deranged. He gives wads of money to scary-looking panhandlers.

He's truly feeling groovy.

Background music is Paul Simon's Feelin' Groovy. Intense voiceover by Eric Bogosian.

ERIC (VO): Are you too happy-go-lucky? Do life's ceaseless troubles roll off you like water off a duck's back? Do you live in ignorant bliss, unaware of all the shit that's bubbling right beneath the surface and could explode at any moment?

Cut to Farley as he cleans up dog poop for old lady walking her lhasa apso. She slaps him for his gallantry. He smiles at her and waves. Upon hearing Eric's voice, Chris stops and looks at camera in shock as he listens to Eric's diatribe.

ERIC (VO): Hey, you, what's so damn funny? Well, wipe that silly goddamn smile off your face and get your shiftless ass over to your travel agent's and tell 'em you're mad as hell and you're not gonna take this life, liberty and pursuit of happiness crap any longer. Tell 'em you want to take off for Club Ted! The intensely serious vacation for workaholics, achievers and near-celebrities like Ted Sann!

Cut to paramedics carrying out bodies on stretchers as instructor discusses the finer points of bombmaking.

ERIC (VO): Once there, you'll get seriously wired on copious amounts of Pepsi, the choice of a new generation of caffiends, so you can really focus in on our new Petty Client Copy Change class, unmatched for its realism.

Cut to Chris surrounded by 10 serious-looking MBA/suits. Cut to Ted and Chris with large martini glasses.

ERIC (VO): Plus, there's a crash course on, what else? How to survive an actual crash in the First Class section of an airplane with Ted.

Cut to Chris in restaurant with long banquet table full of nasty clients, dressed in obviously preppy casual wear. Cut to RuPaul lustily beckoning to Chris.

ERIC (VO): And you'll learn all about envy. While Ted shoots a commercial with a bikini-clad Cindy Crawford, you can take nervous Pepsico clients to lunch just like a real account executive does. And if you do a good job of making them laugh and getting them sloshed, Ted will let you shoot the new RuPaul spot while he, Cindy, Claudia Schiffer and Naomi Campbell drop Ecstasy and take the Pepsi Topless Challenge on a remote offshore island. It's intense, it's for real, Ted's in charge and you're not. So get your shit wired together and take off for Club Ted.

Super: Club Ted. The antidote for the now generation.

Steven Grasse/Gyro Advertising

Open on a hyped-up Steve Grasse at the Bundy crime scene. He's wearing black sweats with a black knit watchcap. He's a performance artist alternating between speaking, singing and rapping with true gangsta verve. The sounds of the O'Jays classic The Backstabbers plays in the background.

STEVE: What they do? Earth to consumers. This is your humble spokesgod, Sir Steve, comin' at ya. I want to tell you about the most exciting new product in a long time: the new Ginzu O.J. Collection. The knives for ex-wives. What they do? They smile in yo face, all the time they want to take yo place, the backstabbers. Don't let someone take yo place with yo bitch. Get the new Ginzu O.J. Collection. And if you order between 10 and 11 p.m. tonight, and there's an Akita barking, you'll get these stainless steel DNA-proof knives plus a free copy of Johnnie Cochran's CD, Race is the Ace. So: Got an ex-wife? This is yo knife. Do like the Juice, they'll turn you loose. Don't believe the hype. Don't pay it no mind. These sharp babies are cruel to be kind.

Super: The new Ginzu O.J. Collection. So popular, they're impossible to find.

Lee Clow/TBWA/Chiat/Day

Open on Lee Clow sitting on the rocks at Santa Monica beach with a surf board at his Teva sandaled feet. He's dressed in a black No Fear

T-shirt and fluorescent orange baggies. It's magic hour as the sun sinks into the Pacific.

LEE: Like, hey, dudes. I'm Lee Clow. As probably the only major creative director in American advertising who actually looks like he belongs to a counter-culture that's uneasy with businesses that make a profit, I've been asked by those two rad Rain Forest Rangers, Ben & Jerry, to tell you about their hip new ice cream: Clow Chow Mein. The first virtual ice cream! You can't find it in 99 percent of the supermarkets, that would be too much overhead, dig?

Cut to Lee putting on virtual reality visor and smiling beatifically at camera.

LEE: You just plug in your laptop and apply these special sunglasses designed by Claes Oldenberg, and you will virtually experience this revolutionary, incredible ice cream trip, no spoon or chop sticks required. It's much cooler than actually eating it! And you can feel good about buying the Clow Chow Mein experience, because unlike the dearly departed Jerry Garcia, who didn't receive a dime for Cherry Garcia, I'm going to get my fair share of the profits from Ben & Jerry's and donate it to the Chiat/Day Veteran's Burnout Shelter for research on the effects of sleep deprivation, underpayment and ego debasement. Then I'll design a line of virtual ties for the virtually employed. So chow down with Clow Chow Mein. From Ben & Jerry, the Caring Capitalists.

Lee GarfinkelLowe & Partners/SMS

Open on Lee Garfinkel sitting in '60s flower power chair a la Peter Max. He's wearing a loud '70s polyester leisure suit. His delivery is earnest and forthright with a trace of bitterness.

LEE: I've written some great jingles and ads for some of the world's most famous soft drinks: Pepsi, Diet Coke, Sprite. But because I believe in jingles and megaproduction values, people think I'm old fashioned, a Johnny one-note. Well, that's their problem. Cause I've moved on. I've got a new cola. It's got the kick of a mule and the crazy jab of Tyson. Screw Mountain Dew, 'cause I like the Jolt in me. Jolt's got the volts, the rest are for dolts, it's packin' the punch of a ranchful of colts. Hey, that sounds like a song!

Lee walks over to an electric chair, Old Sparky, as it is affectionately known by prison wardens throughout the USA. Cut to Lee frying in the electric chair, chug-a-lugging Jolt as the chair lights up and sparks in a dazzling display.

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