DESERT IT; WELCOME TO COMEDY CENTRAL

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Contest #449: A message in a bottle to Anheuser-Busch's Bud Light brand and agency DDB Needham: Get those stranded dorks off their ocean sandbar-pronto.

Sales may be up, but it's not because of these corny castaways. The first one was cute; the second nearly inspired us to some head-twisting violence of our own.

Quit smokin' that "Gilligan's Island" ganja and make the next abandoned-at-the-beach ad the last. T.N.T.ers: come up with the next ad that rescues the Bud Light castaways.

And now for the results of Contest #445: We asked you for the next FUNNY commercial with a comedian and you nearly split our sides with:

First Prize: David Letterman for Amtrak. He offers his top 5 reasons to ride Amtrak. No. 5: We have bigger restrooms than those darned planes; No. 4: Because we're not USAir; No. 3: If you're good, you can sit with the conductor; No. 2: if you're really good, the conductor will let you drive; and No. 1: Thanks, Jay.*.*.Now they advertise on CBS! Tom Baldwin and other advertising students at College of Mt. St. Joseph, Cincinnati.

Second Prize: Steven Wright, the deadpan, monotone comic, will star in a new spate of Nike spots from Wieden & Kennedy, offering one of his more insightful observations: "Everything is within walking distance...if you have the time." Jerry Hickey, director of marketing communications, Imo Industries, Lawrenceville, N.J.

Third Prize: Not having learned from the "Herb the Nerd" marketing debacle, Burger King picks teen fave Jaleel White from ABC's "Family Matters" as its new spokesman. While carrying a tray of burgers, the big-eyed dork tumbles out of windows, walks into walls and does amusing pratfalls. The tagline: "Wow! A nerd from our sponsor!" Don Hauptman, copywriter/consultant, New York.

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