Effete 'stash annoys Mayor

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New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani recently lashed out at an advertisement from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that shows him with a digitally added `milk mustache' (left). The ad claims there's a link between drinking milk and his prostate cancer. We understood the Mayor's anger (his favorite emotion), but suddenly wondered what else he might have found offensive about the ad. Like the shape of the 'stache. It's so Clark Gable lite, so effete! With a law-and-order record that's as impressive as that of any mustachioed dictator, shouldn't Giuliani and his upper lip evoke the can-do, take-charge statesman that he is? So our resident Photoshop artist gave the Mayor a milk mustache that's more along the lines of the great men who've influenced him politically.

Like Charlie Chaplin.

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Get a load of this rain of purple prose from Tampax: "It is a symbol of strength. Beauty. Resilience. Spirit . . ." Blah blah blah. ". . . It is woman. It is you." Oh, really? We thought it was the dingbat for The Artist Formerly Known as Tampon. The tag is "The revolution continues," but "For when you're flowing like it's 1999" would be so much hipper.

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"Consumers are like roaches - you spray them and spray them and they get immune after a while."

- Fallon's David Lubars on the bombardment of outdoor advertising

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Though the year's not over, we're already prepared to drop the Single Puniest, Most Pathetic Piece of Disease-Charity Marketing Anvil on Yoplait yogurt for this self-servingly stupid "Save lids to save lives" campaign. For every yogurt lid you mail in, folks - mail in, mind you, it's not enough to simply buy the yogurt - Yoplait will make a 10 cent donation to a breast cancer foundation. So eat 100 yogurts and ship a friggin' box of lids from the post office and you'll have donated a whopping 10 bucks to fight breast cancer. Our advice: Buy Dannon and write a check.

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