WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?: BBQ DD

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The prize: An all-expenses-paid weekend at Ladder Company 5 in the South Bronx. The ad: This seared brassiere for Playtex. The verdict: We've heard of flame-retardant clothing. Now we've heard of flame-retarded clothing.

Playtex says forget icky surgery and drab hospital gowns. Remove breast implants the stylish new way with the ComBUSTion bra. Hey, isn't that Pam Anderson on the lower right, holding that sign over the place where her chest used to be?

John K. Lally -- johnklally@compuserve.com

John, we forwarded your entry to Tommy Lee. If you're lucky, he'll give you a piece of his mind, not a piece of his body.

The post-feminist message is quite clear. Don't burn your bra. Burn your breasts!

T.J.Bennet -- tbennett@keyesmartin.com

T.J., are you the kind of guy who confuses Joan of Arc with Joan Van Ark?

If they match these with a pair of those combustible panties, they'll have a surefire way of keeping those young teens abstinent!

Craig Morgan -- craig.morgan@sagemarcom.com

Won't work, Craig. One word: pantyhose.

Just another sad reminder from Playtex that I bought myself a one-way rail pass to hell for all those times I pleasured myself to the underwear section of the Sears catalog back in seventh grade.

Jim Walls -- jwalls@stargroup1.com

Jim, you don't know how lucky you are. Our parents were so strict, they tore out the underwear section and we had to get off on the Craftsman tools. To this very day, the sight of a power screwdriver makes us pant.

Maybe they should call it the Flaming Cups O' Death.

Dean Wagner -- dwagner@burris.com

Sorry, that slogan's already been registered for McDonald's coffee.

Have no fear, 'cause John Madden and his tough actin' Tinactin will take care of this in a jiffy.

Todd Slutzky -- toddy slutzky@ lewis communications.com

By the time that fat, overpaid moron gets done diagramming the fire on his electronic chalkboard, there won't be anything left but ashes.

Someone stole Satan's bra, and there's gonna be hell to pay!

Rob Kriauciunas -- rob. kriauciunas@ brannblau-ct.com

Rob, we had hell to pay trying to pronounce your last name. And if your e-mail address was any more complicated, we'd sell it to the Chinese as a nuclear secret.

Playtex is trying to market their miracle bra by using that old standby, the Burning Bush.

Mark Henry -- mark.henry@cox.com

So Satan wears a bra and Moses wears a bra. Maybe they should start putting the Victoria's Secret catalog in motel room drawers.

This is a clever cross-promotion between Playtex and Sony Playstation, designed to combat the disturbing videogame-related malady commonly known as Controller Nipple Syndrome. No more hearing, "Is it cold in here, or are you playing Sonic the Hedgehog again?"

Tom Stofac -- tom.stofac@valrad.com

Tom, Sonic is a Sega character. You're thinking of Crash Bandi-coot. We don't know why you're not thinking of Lara Croft, but hey, to each his own, man.

Playtex introduces a new line of hot pepper bras, discarding traditional cup sizes in favor of heat ratings such as Habanero, Amazon Green and Scottish Belle.

Kihm D. Winship -- kwinship@chasedesign.net

Kihm, we're breaking out in a boiling sweat thinking about what happens to your Scottish Belles when it gets chili.

"The breast way to put out the fire."

Cindy Crossley -- ccrossley@grey.com

If a guy said this, Cindy, it would be another sexist, patriarchal outrage, like our above response. But when you say it, it's, like, cute.

At last. A surefire solution for those embarrassing THOs.

Cathy Wilde -- cathyw@cre8.com

We have no idea what this means, Cathy. We asked several bra-wearing women around the office, and they had no idea either, though they were kind enough to report us to the Human Resources department as a "sexual pest." But you win anyway, 'cause you've got such a hot name. There's already a homeless man who sleeps on the floor at Ladder Company 5, but the firemen say you're welcome to stay over any weekend you like. Nice buncha guys.

This Month's Contest

Win a handkerchief used by the nerd who solved Fermat's Theorem!

"You do the math." We failed algebra twice, but, OK, we'll try. Let's check out the copy: "One Puffs Advanced can do the job of two regular tissues, because it's twice as strong. You can use it every day for just about everything. And there's no lotion in this Puffs. Hmmmm. Really strong. Works hard every day. Sound like anyone you know?" Uh, sorry, no. Maybe the tag will help: "Just like you, one can do the job of two." Huh? And if it's so strong, why's it called a Puff? Blow your mind at creativitymag@sprintmail.com. Contest not open to

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