The ad: This three-wheel pileup for Tyson.
The verdict: Reading this bunch of entries was more fun than plucking chickens with the Jonesboro Boys. We'll see you all in juvenile court, people.
Hats off to Tyson for using this searing image of suburbia's darkest secret: chicken-induced logo cankers. Like outcast freaks in a Diane Arbus photo, these logo-lipped orphans show the inherent problems that arise from a diet consisting of frozen chicken tubes.
Besides the fact that we've never heard of a chicken tube, Andy, you're pissing us off because Diane Arbus shot our Bar Mitzvah.
What is it -- some kind of seed pod? Nawsir, that's a chicken logo. But how come that got way down in there, 'less somebody shoved it in?
Ben, speaking of seed pods, have you found yourself pointing at people in the street and screaming like a banshee lately?
Gang Bikers and Pedophiles -- these Tykes are 'Hot House Grown.' Proof? See dem damn sticky labels?
Carl! You stay away from Ben!
This ad says you're to force the little bastards to eat an entire package of chicken, box and all. Then, while sporting leather pants and pierced nipples, you make them relentlessly ride their trikes till they puke.
Tami Lyn Petrus
Tami Lyn, do you babysit? No, it's not for the kids. It's for us.
Everyone knows that the prominent display of a Tyson logo tongue tattoo places you among the biker elite. Literally translated: "Hey, motorcycle mama, I've got doody in my pants. Whatcha gonna do about that?"
Rick, we'll thank you to kindly stop using our pickup lines.
. . . the nuggets in the kids' mouths are pieces of Evander Holyfield's ear.
Champeen Chunks, they're great. We served 'em at the Creativity party, you spear 'em with Q-Tips.
The chicken might be tasty, but from the expression on the right kid's face, I'd say the logo must taste like liver.
Yeah, Holyfield's liver. You can't make too much money when you've got a bad heart.
You be my motorcycle mama, and I'll be your small fry, your tender tot and your chicken little. Vroom, vroom.
Diane, that's amazing! This is just what we wrote to Tami Lyn!
Peter, Jack and Marlon did not grow up on Chick'n Chunks. Just one look at their pink tongues indicates they were hooked on cherry Jell-O.
Dale F. Bentson
Yes, Peter Fonda, Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando rode together when they were little, but they were hooked on Jell-O shots, Dale, and they didn't give a crap what flavor.
Sucking down colorization pills, the pop group Hanson races feverishly to audition for the part of the "little red girl" in the sequel to Schindler's List.
Colorization pills? That's what Ted Turner takes instead of Viagra.
"Creatively, we can build brand identity by positioning our logo, in effect, where the target audience actually experiences our product." Now apply the same thinking to the Preparation H account.
You couldn't have suggested a nice Fleet enema, Don? You had to be disgusting?
How do you handle a restless mob of hungry bikers? Easy. Poke one in the eyes, kick the other in the nuts and tell the other one there's no such thing as Santa. That'll teach 'em.
So you work in the JWT day care center, Antonio?
I see that you acquired a surveillance photo of the punks I hired to kick your ass for not printing my last entry. As you undoubtedly know, they're card-carrying members of the Tyson gang, identified by their distinctive lower lip tattoos.
We sent your punks to Antonio. Now one's got a seeing-eye pulltoy, one talks in a really high voice and the third one converted to Judaism.
After the children had been examined and found to be genuine Tyson chicken users, Tyson released them back in to the wild with their new Tyson tongue tags. Never again would Tyson have to wonder where their consumers went.
There's more to it than that, Jennifer. It's the new Tyson Child ID program. The kid's social security number is permanently imprinted on his tongue, along with a list of his favorite Disney characters, in a clever cross-promotion. The Tyson ad is small price to pay for this kind of peace of mind, don't you think?
You really have to admire this ad for its raw depravity. The frankly sexual overtones of the logo placements alone speak volumes, but I think the Oedipal overtones of "motorcycle mama" push this one over the top. Bottom line: If you're going to do a campaign glorifying the exploitation of children, you can do better than this.
Shawn, you've been spoiled by "Mikey Likes It." We all have.
The photo was shot at the Tyson Free-Range Toddler Farm where unsuspecting youngsters are fattened, tattooed with Tyson logos, then cudgeled with their own tricycles while watching Teletubbies. From there, they are dismembered, breaded, fried, flash-frozen and then served to luckier toddlers to enjoy with a chilled glass of Pedialyte.
The Gell-man. Gellerini. Gell-O-Rama. How does it feel to be a back-to-back WTH winner? Have a chilled glass of Pedialyte on us, man. Nah, have a chilled glass of regular Pedia, screw the calories, you deserve it. There's a homeless man on his way to Hong Kong, but you don't wanna go there anyway now that the Chinese have ruined it.This Month's Contest
Win a TELLY SAVALAS AUTOGRAPHED LOLLIPOP!
It's for the Honda Civic Coupe. Just a man with a shiny head and a Civic car key hanging from his ear. "Simplify," is the slogan. Hmmmm. This seems pretty complicated to us. We always found a key ring in the hip pocket to be pretty basic and reliable. Please have a look under the hood at