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The prize: A free CPR lesson from Olympic has-been Mark Spitz!

The ad: This wet and wild weightless woman from Gitano!

The verdict: Tie your float at a Freudian slip, but watch out for a very serious warm water problem in the deep end.

Gitano, tired of trying to compete with bigger names like Levi's, has decided to go for the ultimate niche market-scuba jeans. Tight, colorful and safe down to 100 meters! And you don't have to leave your car keys poolside. It's what the svelte bunch on Baywatch wear in their off hours.

Kwame DeRoche


Oh. We thought all those crotch bulges were their car keys.

Take the time and hassle out of driving out to the usual deserted woodland. It's fun to dump your victims at your neighborhood YMCA! Ask about our family packages.

Barb Emaus


So you're saying the Village People are serial killers, Barb? We were wondering what happened to them.

If you're gonna pee in the pool, do it in style.

Randy Ryerson


We're not jumping in the pool with our clothes on with you anymore, Randy.

Obviously, this is an ad for Gitano's new line of dehydrated expand-to-fit clothing. This sassy outfit started out as a rather obscene thong bikini. Just add water, and you, too, can be a snappy dresser.

Randy Lynn


Obviously, your underwear are on inside-out. You put on the jeans and shirt, jump into the pool and they turn into an obscene thong bikini. Duh!

OK, let's say you're an attractive woman at a swinging pool party, and you spy an equally attractive dude hovering in the deep end. He's looking up at you and you notice his hips are shaking. Now, you could wait patiently, hoping that this unique fellow surfaces and comes on to you. Or you could jump in yourself and hover with him. Better yet, why not grin like an outpatient and hold your hands over your tiny head?

Andy Conroy


His hips are shaking 'cause he's peeing in the pool. And if you think this girl's head is tiny, you've been watching too much Moesha.

What this ad says to us is, "if you are not wearing Gitano clothing, you will die underwater." Excellent use of the all-powerful subliminal, too, since we subconsciously ascertain that the earth is two-thirds water, and we suddenly feel the need to head to the nearest mall for some Gitano clothing.

Michael Laemmrich


Actually, we suddenly felt the need to head to the nearest urinal.

Nobody liked her clothes, so she was thrown into the pool. And if "outside the lines" refers to underwater, one has to wonder how long she can "live" there. She's not a fish. And since her legs are slightly spread, we can assume she's not a mermaid (like Darryl Hannah in Splash). Which means Gitano can be life-threatening, therefore appealing to those with adventurous spirits or death wishes.

Marc Hartzman


Marc, we can assume she's not a mermaid 'cause "her legs are slightly spread"? How about we can assume she's not a mermaid 'cause she hasn't got a friggin' fishtail! You just wanted to write "her legs are slightly spread" while you were thinking about Darryl Hannah, you mondo pervo!

This is one of those safe-sex ads aimed at deterring teen pregnancy. It simply states to teenage girls that if they "live outside the lines" they could wind up with a 5-ll fetus in their uterus (and you thought that was a swimming pool).

Chris Ebner


So what's the problem, Chris? There are two women's basketball leagues now, and beach volleyball is in the Olympics.

Smells like jean spirit? Courtney Love is making a more fashionable name for herself, but most viewers of this ad will still make some kind of connection to the old Nirvana cover.

Alec Long


We were just thinking about Darryl Hannah. You had to bring up Courtney Love?

This is after-hours dancing at an illegal rave party that encourages a rebirthing experience. The headline is a reference to the Coke Room, and it's telling us this room, the Amniotic Room, is a safe alternative. Also, they most likely add placenta to the water for those dancing in utero for a truer rebirthing (which is beneficial to one's hair).

Nita Hughes


And In Utero is another Nirvana album! Have you met Alec? But never mind that, Nita, at the Coke Room at a rave they sell soda, that's it. Didn't you see the article in Prevention?

"Live outside the lines" refers to the lines that distinguish effective from idiotic advertising. Gitano is taking the fashionable just-hit-up-with-heroin chic to its logical conclusion: Floating-dead-in-the-pool-from-a-heroin-overdose chic.

Bryan Jensen


You work for the Partnership, Bryan? Go to the Kurt Cobain Smack Room, get Nita and Alec and let's all rebirth together.

What is this girl thinking? She isn't going to find her man underwater, especially wearing red jeans. But I suppose she's just zanier than those of us who live inside the lines.

Tony Rizzuto


Sorry, Tony, but what the hell is so difficult about finding a man underwater when you're wearing red jeans? If you're wearing light blue jeans, we see where you might be difficult to spot, but red seems a good underwater color to us. Hey, we must be living outside the lines! Cool!

Do you think even the dumbest Gen Xers will actually buy the notion that having the right britches will finally let you breathe and simultaneously smile underwater without a visible oxygen line?

Valerie Singer


You're onto something here, Val-those of us who live outside the lines can tell you that those four short parallel lines in the Gitano logo (and in the "Lines" of the headline) represent gills. This britchin' babe can indeed breathe underwater! But if you date her, Marc, you're gonna have some friggin' shrimp bill!

Sigmund Freud would have easily identified the subliminal sexual significance of this visual, which depicts a provocatively posed women, legs akimbo, blissfully submerged beneath anticipatory waves of passion. The essence of the message is, "If you can hold your breath long enough to remove these Gitano jeans from my wet and waiting body, I'm yours."

Albert Segal


Finally, we get some input from an academic. Thank you, Professor Segal. "Legs akimbo." You get that, Marc? Darryl Hannah with her legs akimbo.

Any guy can see that this is really a plea to the male audience to not regard women as sexual (but, perhaps, aquatic) objects. The model's legs form the lines that we're asked to live outside of. And there's more. Turn the ad upside down and a subliminal, existential question Y is asked.

Glenn Karwoski


Glenn, why does Marc have to regard this babe as an "aquatic" object? So what if her head is maybe a little small? Moreover, when we turned the ad upside down, we saw a C, not a Y. C as in sea or see. But Y? Only U can answer that. 4 Christ's sake, we're starting to sound like that little futz everyone calls The Artist!

Look at me! I'm an actress! I'm just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Rob Neveau


Cameron Diaz? Yes! She makes Darryl Hannah look like a squid! Pretty damn good work for an intern, Rob, you'll take that No. 5 slot by Thanksgiving for sure. We gave your free CPR lesson from Mark Spitz to a homeless man on First and 49th. Mark lived up to his name, we're afraid, when it came to the mouth-to-mouth part. Actually, he threw up.

This Month's Contest

Win an all-expenses-paid weekend in Bill Gates' garage-and a free mousepad!

"Good thing the name wasn't any longer. The Pentium II processor from Intel." Yes? Sorry? Why the motherboardin' hell is it a good thing the name wasn't any longer? "Pentium with MMX technology" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, for instance. And who's that guy who's late getting into line? Is that Dustin Hoffman from that horrible monkey-virus movie? Send your best bits to

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