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The overwhelming response to last issue's baffling Bozell Breathe Right babe (at right) seared our sinuses and smashed our septums. It's a case of Afrin to the winner and an honorific blow of the nose to everyone who played. Once again, space is at a painful premium, but remember, you've got to be in it to be in it. Keep those e-mails comin'!

It's the latest safety feature from those "clever" people at Chrysler. With all the stink over airbags snapping necks, they've developed a mechanism that actually blows out from the nose, engulfing the face in pillowy safety. The only downside to the Nose Bag is the microchip-size impending-impact sensor they have to attach deep in your brain. But I understand the procedure is covered by most major car insurers, and they give you a courtesy head to wear while yours is in the shop.

Tom Wirt


Yeah, we heard about this. The Chrysler K Head.

Yo, ad geniuses! watch any professional athletic competitions on television (or "T.V." for short) lately? Those Breathe Right strips are worn by lineman and linebackers alike in an attempt at keeping their nostrils open for clearest breathing and optimum performance. The ad claims that this mom is of that Pro Football ilk-as the able head of an active family. And the Voyager is her sturdy sidekick through all of it. Barely funnier than an elbow operation? Maybe. Confusing, however, it ain't.

Steve Susi


Thanks for this letter, Steve, which is a riot compared to double hip replacement. Had any exposure lately to comedy (or "humor" for short)?

The lovely baffling beauty from Bozell is the spoksperson for the new nose condoms . . . just a whiff away . . . keep your nose clean . . . you're putting that where?

Bruce Maus


Great, now we can finally order something at the drug store in Extra Large.

As a former Bozell copywriter, I feel confident I can walk you backward through the strategy. Let's see. Her nose is very narrow, almost caved-in. Cocaine is 72 percent hydrochloric acid. It's obvious Chrysler asked the agency to come up with "something like those milk mustache ads you guys do," and the agency did so. Here, though, the mark is a bandage to buttress her eroded nasal cartilage. So it does resemble the milk ads, and it simultaneously caters to the rapidly growing demo of coke fiend young mothers who swing.

Geoff Rogers


In an attempt to have it all, this woman works 70 hours a week as an Environmental Terrorist and still tries to remain a loving wife and devoted mother. Right now she is driving her five Gap Kids to soccer practice. The pressure of it all has turned her into a cocaine snorting menace-as witnessed by the glazed-over look on her face. Her powder habit is also ruining her marriage. Her nose has clogged permanently, causing her to snore incessantly. The only thing that helps. . . .

Karen McLaughlin


The lady is obviously in way over her head. The kids, the traffic, the groceries. . . The only way to keep up with her hectic schedule is a steady supply of nose candy. This causes constant congestion. . . .

Mike Rovner


Thanks for skipping the Lee Iacocca jokes, Geoff, Karen and Mike. You could all be right, since a Voyager option is an armrest with a built-in convenience mirror.

It's a new type of co-op advertising. Breathe Right lets this woman enjoy the three hours of new-car smell before the toddler in the back seat has a fecal explosion in her diaper and the mess runs all over the seats. Then, it's clothespin time!

Lee Coleman


Have you been buying no-frills diapers, Lee, or using those damn politically correct cloth jobbies? Try Huggies or Pampers, anything with tight elastic leg holes. No one's gonna want to ride in your car if you've got shit on the seats.

That new-car smell lasts only as long as it takes your 2 year old to throw up in it. But upon application, the only smell you will ever notice is a new-car smell. . . .

Gordon Sorensen


So your kid pukes in the back seat. Why don't you and Lee car pool?

This ad fails to show the stinky, disgusting and gross kids in the back seats. The Breathe Right strip is made out of the same stuff as those little green freshener trees.

Danita Reynolds


Sounds like your kids are pukin' and crappin' up a storm back there. Lee and Gordon will pick you up at 7 a.m.

Like the headline says, Plymouth Voyagers are for active families. Active families have active moms, active kids and active dogs. Last night, the pooch snatched Mom's chili with green peppers off the table and devoured it before any of the active family members could intervene. Now the dog has cut the cheese bigtime in the car and Mom has activated her defenses.

Livingston Miller


This won't cut it, Liv. Active dogs don't fart, doesn't matter what they eat. You ever hear a gassy Lassie? And if the dog did fart, that would require Lee's clothespin.

Plymouth Voyager: Voyages for the active family . . . sexually active. The off-camera pimp, Uncle Leroy, is riding shotty while the rest of the family is in the back in full prostitute regalia. Leroy had the bright idea of using minivans to solicit perps due to the heavy police crackdown on streetwalkers. The driver, Leroy's niece, is suffering from a prolonged bout of VD contracted on the job and is slowly losing her nose. Leroy has fixed her up with a Band-Aid to keep it from falling off and causing a short stop, which could arouse suspicion.


Pretty tricky, Max. Now we know what the Easy Out Roller Seats are for.

Mom's the coolest! Even after her debut fight against Evander Holyfield (which she won with a TKO in the 8th round) she still has time to drop off the kids! The kicker here is that she still can't get enough of the new-car smell, so she wears the strip to hold her mutilated nose together. Mom's tough that way.

Brian Gunning


Thanks, Brian, this explains her swollen knuckles. Actually, this woman looks a lot like female boxing champ Christy Martin, which would explain everything.

It's so quiet in the new Plymouth Voyager that the annoying whistle your nose makes when you breathe will be clearly audible to the whole family, perhaps even to drivers of other Voyagers nearby in traffic. You'll need to take action. Thankfully, fully-loaded Voyagers come with a Breathe Right strip dispenser right on the dashboard.

Jeff Brooks


Your nose makes an annoying whistle? Did you know that cocaine was 72 percent hydrochloric acid, Jeff?

O.J. Simpson created this ad and paid for it. The woman is a composite-Jacqueline Smith superimposed over Nicole. Remember J. Smith played a Charlie's Angel, a woman whose every move was controlled by a powerful figure no one ever saw. And, we know now, no one ever saw the real O.J., just the public persona. Now, notice how the wedding ringed hand so prominently displayed completes the steering wheel. Mr. Simpson is telling us he always steered the marriage, no matter who was pictured in the driver's seat. This notion is bolstered by the bondage-like, brutal slash of the saftey belt, which of course didn't keep her so safe after all. The woman's striped shirt plays two roles: one, the stripes are a cool nose-thumbing reference to the convict outfit that O.J. will never wear, as well as a sophisticated swipe at the ebony/ivory mixed marriage thing.

Like everything else in this hard-working ad, the nose strip exists on many levels. The strongest message Mr. Simpson is sending is that the woman's nose was way out of joint (check out the woman's nose-it really is.) And it is a clear, cool admission that, yes, he messed with her face. The white utility vehicle is an obvious allusion to the famous white Bronco, but this ghostly vehicle is pictured with an open mid-section-a classic symbol of escape. Once again a Voyager, O.J. is free to roam once more, looking for another driver. Breathe Right, No. 32, breathe free, there's a law about double jeopardy.

Valerie Singer


We sniff a winner, Val! This letter was more fun than Eskimo kissing with Barry Scheck! And isn't Chrysler the inventor of the stab-forward design? We gave your case of Afrin to a homeless man on the corner of Park and 41st, who promptly snorted the whole thing, but we managed to slip a Breathe Right strip onto his nose as he was falling down.


WIN a Nordic Trak exercise wheel!

We gathered two cheekfuls of nuts and we still can't figure this thing out. Reactor jeans tells us, "Follow your natural instincts," and the tag is, "Denim for the new millennium." Maybe it's Nuclear Reactor jeans? That's an awful big hamster. She's no Jessica Rabbit, but she is real cute. Or is it a he? This is the kind of ad you find in Paper . . . Let the fur fly at Adulate@aol.com.

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