WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? PAIN IN THE NECK

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The prize: A lifetime supply of Calvin Klein turtlenecks!

The ad: This needle in a hack stack for Vicks Chloraseptic spray.

The verdict: Congratulations. No sooner do we proscribe the Plump Pepperpot than another legion of pervs writes in with "prick" puns and "throat" jokes. This is a family publication, people! As in First Family! Can't you all be a little more like Chelsea Clinton and a little less like the Chelsea Hotel?

It's Bill Clinton's Linda Tripp voodoo doll.

Steve J. Meyer

sjmeyer@mediaemail.com

We can only pray that this doll is not anatomically correct and the accessories include a very heavy veil.

. . . And I thought using garlic to ward off vampires was weird. P.S. Please don't make fun of me in your magazine.

Gui Weinmann

radiant@rocketmail.com

G-U-I? What's to make fun of?

It seems that the doctors who fell asleep during an operation a few years ago because they took Vicks cough medicine -- look it up, you made fun of the ad -- lost their license and started practicing acupuncture. I'd recognize their work anywhere.

David Newton

davidn@clinedavis.com

OK, you caught us. It's the second time we've picked on a Vicks product. We can't help it. It's a Freudian thing, left over from all the VapoRub chest massages we used to get from the baby sitter when we were little.

To whom it may concern: I am an art director and would like to participate in the Vicks contest. I'm not familiar with this contest. Is this something that I do mock-ups for and send them to you and win fabulous prizes? Please let me know the details.

Jim McCabe

jmccabe@ferrellcalvillo.com

Jim: Since you're a creative, we'll give you these details, but they're top secret, so don't tell your partner. Work up a Vicks campaign and we'll make the exchange during the St. Patrick's Day parade. Be on the northwest corner of Fifth and 42nd at noon and keep your eyes peeled for us. We'll be wearing a green hat.

New Vicks ads feature vengeful vamp vocalist Alanis Morissette demonstrating how she takes care of her "little prick" with Chloraseptic push pins, fired in five short bursts from a semi-automatic Vicks Vaporizer.

Mike Lauterborn

hoganassoc@aol.com

Thanks, Mike. That also explains "Jagged Little Pill." The pill wasn't really jagged, it was just hitting all the pins.

For the love of humanity, the woman has 19 pins in her poor neck! It will take at least five sprays to wash those things off. Certainly a more general tag like "Spray until the pins fall off" would better serve the masses -- and that's what advertising is all about.

Brian Sack

brian@sixtysecond.com

It is? We thought advertising was all about serving yourself, and, if you can't avoid it, serving the client. The only thing the masses are served is candy at focus groups. Does your boss know you're a commie, Brian?

Blowgun therapy: Amazonian tribesmen fire darts at patients, using the Adam's apple as a bull's-eye.

Ross Pierson

rpierson@stephanbrady.com

Wrong, Ross. Women don't have pronounced Adam's apples. Sorry.

The ad is obviously intended to reach the highly-coveted transvestite demographic. The copywriter's unedited headline was: "Chicks with pricks need Vicks." Check out the model -- beginnings of a 5 o'clock shadow.

Jonell Kehias

iliketoast@hotmail.com

OK, Ross, maybe we're wrong. And Jonell: Just how the hell much do you like toast?

What's next? A stunningly lit shot of a supermodel's rectum crammed with shards of glass as a means of pimping Preparation H?

Jason Fox

thefox@ionet.net

No, that's a Calvin Klein billboard in Times Square. He's got a new toilet paper called Derriere.

It's nice to know that Linda Lovelace is alive and well and working as an advertising model.

Chris Poisson

cpoisson@c-k.com

Chris, you're dating yourself, as many porn viewers do. Linda Lovelace is parking her 300-pound carcass these days in a rusty trailer in Brownsville, Texas, and the only thing her throat is good for is hocking tubercular loogies.

Attendees at the International Masochists Convention were happily surprised to discover an outbreak of strep throat over the event-filled weekend.

sascha@radium.com

Withholding your last name won't help, Sascha. We know you were there. We saw you at the Marv Albert kissing booth.

Shiatsu tracheotomy kills two birds with one stone. Relieves chronic itchiness and gives you many new avenues to smoke your three packs a day.

Stu Thompson

stu@winklerad.com

Stu, you're confusing Japanese massage with Chinese acupuncture. Go order some General Tso's sushi.

The poor woman purchased Vicks Chloroform spray by accident, leading to the strange case of Jane Doe vs. Pinhead. Prosecutors call the details "hellraising."

Steve Gibson

steve@hargroveinc.com

Doink! This case is going to the Supreme Court, and Pinhead is sure to win, since he's Clarence Thomas' favorite movie star -- after Long Dong Silver, of course. We gave 3,000 Calvin Klein sweaters to a homeless man on the corner of Bleecker and Thompson, who promptly put them all on. He's got a ready-to-wear bed!

this month's contest

Win A DELUXE BUICK CHAR-O-MATIC TOASTER OVEN WITH CRUISE-CONTROL!

See, there's this Pop-Tart Pastry Swirl on a plate, but apparently it's actually in a car. It's been stopped by the Highway Patrol, as best we can tell. It's got a (Battle Creek) Michigan driver's license and it's saying, "Honest officer, I am Pop-Tarts." Tag: "Like no Pop-Tarts you've ever seen." We always thought one Pop-Tart was a Tart, not a Tarts, but then again we didn't know they drove, so we may just be out of the loop here. Put some icing on your deliciously flaky crust at creativitymag@sprintmail.com. Contest not open to English muffin fork-

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