He's packing some serious stringbean. You've got to have a set of brussels sprouts to walk around in that crazy getup.
Brendon Blake -- firstname.lastname@example.org
Brendon, he's 50 feet tall and his arms are bigger than his head. Who's gonna tell him he looks like a schmuck?
What's the deal with those leafy things on his feet?
Adam Bailine -- email@example.com
He ordered a special pair of Jolly Jordans in size 90, Adam, but Nike's still working on 'em. Those Indonesian 12-year-olds they have to use now don't sew as fast as the 8-year-olds did.
Mother Nature knows first hand that good things come from the freezer, including the sperm for her jolly green offspring, donated by the Incredible Hulk.
B. Jordan -- firstname.lastname@example.org
Being the most far-fetched, this is the one Incredible Hulk entry we'll run. So you're suggesting that during one of his insane shirt-busting rages, the Hulkster dropped in at the local Mr. Wiggly, picked up a Barely Legal and decided to bruce his banner in the deposit room? Why are we having trouble with this, B.?
His Greenness was obviously the result of a union between Mother Nature and Father Time, since he hasn't aged a day in 30 years.
Tom Federico -- email@example.com
Father Time? John Cameron Swayze? Impossible, he only takes lickings.
The Brawny paper towel guy is probably his father. He's huge, and he looks like the type that would get Mother Nature drunk at a corporate mascot convention . . .
Derek Manke -- firstname.lastname@example.org
Huge? Derek, are you confusing him with Dinty Moore? Or do you know him better than we do?
The father is Shecky Greene.
Jason Fox -- email@example.com
Thank you for taking the trouble to name a father, Jason, but we're sure the late, great Shecky would never consort with a crazy shiksa.
Since the Giant looks even younger now than he did in the '80s, I'd say Michael Jackson is the father. But since the Giant's still green, I guess Michael's off the hook.
Wade Summerlin -- firstname.lastname@example.org
Wade, we're parboiling mad. You supplied your own punchline. Get us two first-class seats to the Valley to make amends.
It would appear that Mr. Jolly Green has suffered from a slight Oedipus complex. Having offed his father, he then settled down with Mother Nature. Not realizing that Mother Nature was really his mother, he then became the proud father of Sprout . . .
Graham Hayes -- email@example.com
Mr. Pants? You own the Hayes Group, right, Graham? You see, guys? This is what happens when you open your own company. You get to call yourself Mr. Pants, and no one reports you to Human Resources. Do you have a male assistant, Graham? Is he Mr. Jockstrap?
Debate on the Green Giant's genesis is bitterly divided between two schools of thought: spontaneous creation and a Mother Nature lovers' tryst. Both sides have dubbed their theories The Big Bang.
Kyle Curtis -- firstname.lastname@example.org
Well, that at least would explain why so many people think his package is an infinitely expanding universe.
"Behind this bag of frozen vegetables lies the most advanced root system you'll ever see."
Robyn Schrimpshire -- email@example.com
You really fell for this pickup line, Robyn? We heard he's into rough sex. Did he give you cauliflower ears? We'll let you win and you can even have the corn, on one condition: You must give us a full report on your night with His Jollity. We want all the side dish. This Month's Contest
Win a solid-porcelain replica of Paul Bunyan's urinal!
This ad, for a premium pot from a company called Toto, was found in The New York Times Home Design magazine. It is so beyond the rim, we must quote the text in full. Headline: "Its form speaks to those with an eye for beauty. Its function speaks to those whose eyes are floating." Copy: "Some days, nature calls a little louder than others. So you need a toilet that will answer. Every time. Toto toilets are designed and tested to exceed industry standards for performance. Ensuring you of a more healthy, hygienic and comfortable bathroom. So see your local Toto dealer today. Because your eyes should be used to hold beauty, not water." About the ad in toto, we can only say: What!? Empty your brainpan at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contest not open to professional