WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? PITIFUL

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The prize: Six tons of guacamole and a pair of stretch pants.

The ad: This mystery meal for California avocados.

The verdict: Constipation Nation or The Big Diarrhea Idea. It's always gotta be about bodily functions with you pervertimentos, doesn't it?

The tasty flesh of the avocado contains an indigestible fiber that causes acute constipation when eaten in large quantities, packing the small intestine with a gray claylike substance similar to that discovered in the colon of Elvis Presley. "Bad with goodbyes" is merely a warning.

Steve Cox -- stevecox@robleymarketing.com

We're letting this one slide, Steve, in honor of Elvis, who was kinda shaped like an avocado in his post-Pelvis years.

They're bad with goodbyes because of the avocado's number, which is 6.022 x 1023. Such a large number makes individual goodbyes nearly impossible, which, you'll have to admit, is bad.

Bob Barsumian -- kre8tr@excite.com

We're including this entry for two reasons, Bob. 1) We love your vanity plate e-mail handle. You must make out like a bandit in chat rooms with born-again babes. 2) We ran it by one of the little computer nerds in Technical Services and he laughed so hard he threw up on his Weejuns.

The ad doesn't make sense because an entire copyline was inadvertently deleted from that gaping space. The writer was out of town on a shoot and the account exec didn't catch the booboo on the match print. I heard it was a really funny line, though.

Ted Sabarese -- teds@pedonepartners.com

Oh, so you want us to supply the line, huh, Ted? Sorry, we already hired kre8tr as our straight man. He'll also be performing a miracle at our son's bar mitzvah next month.

It's true about the goodbyes. Someone once brought an avocado to my party and the damn thing wouldn't leave. Just stayed in the kitchen the whole night without saying a word. It must be self-conscious about being the only fattening fruit or something.

James Wintraub -- jwintraub@cohn-wells.com

Did you invite any grilled chicken, James? Duh!

I used to think everything really did taste like chicken, but the taste this ad left in my mouth is truly indescribable.

Scott Collin -- scollin@rtcdirect.com

How about "smooth"? Miller Lite's using it now, and their new campaign is totally cutting-edge.

Hey, man. This is like an ad for the already-been-in-therapy California avocado, you know? Didn't you notice one really buff California avo had a cameo in Jerry Maguire?

Cynthia Maniglia -- cmaniglia@dmw-w.com

Cyn, that was just Cuba Gooding Jr. slipping in a product placement before he landed his big Pepsi One pimp fest.

Good when it's soft, bad when it's firm -- how's that for ad copy?

Katherine Cobb -- kathyc@powerwarner.com

It's super, but don't ask Bob Dole to read it.

It's all about type. Hobo could have saved this art director, who, I'm sure, is now quite proficient with goodbyes.

Ried Cartwright -- ried@src-online.com

Wrong, Ried. Frutiger could have saved this art director, who is now a hobo.

How anti-egotistical this ad is, using lower-case i's. Then again, name me any "four eyes" who's egotistical. Besides Bill Gates.

Eric Johnson -- ejohnson@urdacompany.com

Eric, kindly keep your mean-spirited opinions to yourself. We'll have you know Mr. Gates is a loyal reader of this publication -- though he insisted we put him on the comp list.

Sure the soft, green mushy part is OK, but the minute you flip the switch to your garbage disposal, having shoved in the hard and unyielding pit, you'll know why they're bad with goodbyes. They tend to shoot out like small cannonballs, ricocheting off ceilings and walls. If one happens to hit you squarely in the temple, death can result.

Jeff Hopfer -- jeff_hopfer@richards.com

Are you in Texas, Jeff? They don't have a garbage disposal helmet law down there yet, huh? Up here, on Giuliani time, if you're caught putting an avocado pit in your garbage disposal without a helmet on, they impound your whole sink.

This ad, which originally ran in American Cannibal magazine, suggests that while avocados are an ideal accompaniment to poultry, they can't seem to overcome the gamy taste of San Francisco creatives.

Dave Redemann -- dredeman@c-k.com

That's what Rice-A-Roni is for, Dave. And remind us never to fly over the Andes with you.

Ever stare so intently at an avocado that you swear you can see into its vulnerable pulp core? What you really see, my friends, is a lonely, bitter, jaded nutjob with all the softness of Billy Barty. I mean, just try bidding adieu to an avocado. I guarantee it'll turn on you and spit its foul pit right into your eye.

Jennifer Miller -- jennifer_miller@parsonstech.com

So Billy Barty, Hollywood's greatest midget, is a lonely, bitter nutjob? That took some real cojones, Jen. When he reads that -- he's one of our few lilliputian-celebrity paid subscribers -- he's gonna open an economy-size can o' whup-ass all over your ankles.

There is now a homeless man on the corner of 49th and First living in your stretch pants, but the guacamole is all yours. Why not dig a moat around your house?

Next Month's Contest

Win two million of those pink "While You Were Out" pads that no one uses anymore!

"Get messages in the privacy of your own universe." OK, no problem. It seems there's this new free voicemail service called Echobuzz, which we can only hope is not a description of its sound quality. The image? OK, problem. We invite you to explain this photo, via creativitymag@sprintmail.com, and you will kindly do so without using the word "shithead." We know you already, and we're not taking you to tea at our Aunt Mildred's house. Contest not open to anyone who can tie a

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