". . . promptly put them all on. He's got a ready-to-wear bed!" This is the last line of last month's contest, which astute readers may have noticed didn't make the page. Before you go blaming this on the former circus pinhead who was interning in the production department, let the truth be told: The line was impounded by Rudy Giuliani, in a flash crackdown on the homeless. Thanks to the ACLU for getting it back for us.
The prize: A deluxe Buick Char-O-Matic toaster oven with cruise control.
The ad: This unmoving violation for Pop-Tarts Pastry Swirls.
The verdict: Lay off the sugar, people, it's making you hyper. A 2 lb. bag of Domino and a spoon is not part of "this nutritious breakfast."
A parody of the Ethan Hawke thriller Gattaca, the soon-to-be-released blockbuster I Know What You Ate Last Summer features mutant donuts trying to infiltrate elite snack food ranks disguised as genetically superior Pop-Tarts.
Thank you for not making a Jennifer Love Chew It joke, Mike.
Police Log 3.10.99: Suspect claims brand equity. Arresting officer notes glazed look and registration mark in voice. Suspect instructed to Pop-Trunk. Contents include fruit, packaging and two dead pastries. Suspect sentenced to toast on Bread Row.
They don't do the high-voltage thing anymore, Vince, it's considered cruel and unusual. He got a lethal injection of fruit filling.
The round little turd got stopped on a DWI - Driving With Icing.
If he was on the New Jersey Turnpike and he'd been overtoasted, he would've been pulled over on a DWBATE - Driving While Black Around the Edges.
Perhaps Mr. Tarts can bribe his way out of this traffic citation by slipping the officer a Ding-Dong?
Maybe in Michigan, but don't ever try that in New York, Scott. You pull a Ding-Dong on a cop here, you'll have more nooks and crannies in your torso than a sandwich-size English muffin.
Pop, toasted again, began to sweat frosting when the trooper ran a check on his priors.
Kihm D. Winship
Kihm, when you say "ran a check on his priors," we sweat frosting. It would be an honor to put the icing on your Toaster Strudel.
Someone's gettining back at the nun who tot juneyor hi inglish. See Sister, I don't need no stinkin' grammer to be a righter. I is pop tarts!
Hey, did you write the Apple slogan?
The best way to get out of a ticket in the state of Michigan - Kellogg's Pasty Twirls. Erotic and nutritious. Ladies, don't leave home without them.
G.B., are you one of those guys who thinks edible panties are a good engagement gift?
Pastry swirls? Pastry Swirls? I thought you said Pasty Swirls.
Frank, while you're getting your priors checked, take a hearing test. He said twirls.
It's a print teaser from Fox TV for the new When Pastry Goes Bad series.
We caught When Pastry Goes Bad last night, and it was absolutely terrifying. Did you see the part where the guy washed down the rancid Yodel with the carton of expired milk? Ewwwwwwwwww!
This is what police see when they pull over a driver who rolls down the window. It's called post-traumatic donut shop disorder. Next time you're pulled over, don't lean your head out the window. You may lose it!
We hate to think what happens if a cop sees a cup of coffee between your thighs.
It's the natural progression from art to commerce to crap. I am the walrus. I am Tiger Woods. I am Pop-Tarts. The mothership leaves in 10 minutes. Wear your Nikes, natch.
So what are you saying? Don't ever eat a Pastry Swirl on the golf course while listening to Magical Mystery Tour on a Walkman and wearing Nikes? No problem. Who wears Nikes anymore?
Just another example that all driver's license photos look like crap.
There's no disputing that, Mike. We happened to get a gander at Tony the Tiger's license when he got drunk at an office party here last week. The poor bastard looks like a lion.
The quote should be: "Honest officer, I'm old enough to purchase birth control." Tag: "It's like no sugar-glazed diaphragm you've used before." I'm sure the artificial fruit flavoring and sweeteners will kill even the heartiest of sperm.
John, we like the way you think. You're clearly a guy who, in a pinch, wouldn't hesitate to use a Twinkie for a condom. We did not give your deluxe toaster oven to a street sleeper. In an effort to curry favor with the Mayor, we beat the last squeegee man in New York to death with it.
This Month's Contest
Win an authentic fabulous fifties oxygen tent!
"Think Carlton. It's the ultra ultra light." OK, we're thinking Carlton, and, like, our brains are getting numb. Why does this woman still listen to vinyl? Why does she have a 1959 record changer? What record is she holding? Why doesn't she own an ashtray? Why is her house so blue? Beat the tar out of this at email@example.com. Contest not open to original members of the Platters!
The Kafka Questionnaire
Who would you save first from a burning building: Jerry Della Femina, Ed McCabe or George Lois?
Well, that would depend on who was willing to hand over the most money.
Who makes a better pet: The Taco Bell Chihuahua, Spuds MacKenzie or Nipper the RCA dog?
The Chihuahua. A Spanish-speaking dog could come in very handy, and he seems capable of walking himself.
What's your favorite iMac flavor?
The fruit-striped one, it's very exclusive. Few people have even seen it.
Now that Michael Jordan is retired, what do you think his next advertising sponsorship will be?
Nothing, I hope.
If Bob Dole is doing erectile dysfunction ads, what should Bill Clinton sell?
He should be a spokesman for the National Dry Cleaners Association.
What is your favorite product for the millennium?
My deluxe jet pack with cell phone and Palm Pilot attachments.
The last time I lied was . . .
I'm not really sure I understand the question.
What's your favorite jingle?
"I'm a pepper, he's a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper too." I know, I know, but it's true.
What's your least favorite jingle?
Most of them.
How much longer until every ad agency merges into one?
Hmmmm, this seems very ominous.
Lubna Abu-Osba is a senior art
director at Angotti Thomas Hedge,