THE KAFKA QUESTIONNAIRE: DICK SITTIG

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With a name like Smuckers, does it really have to be good?

No. Ever since Oozing Puss came on the market, the pressure is off Smuckers.

If Jack in the Box had an AOL account, what would his screen name be?

shootme

What's your favorite TV show?

The news. Have you seen it? Where do they get that stuff?

Can you tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi in a taste test?

Definitely! One tastes young and edgy, like a Spice Girl. The other one tastes like Santa Claus. I got a sweater from one and a gym bag from the other.

Who's the single greatest advertising creative of the century?

That's easy. Bill Bernbach. "The only reason to show a man standing on his head in an ad is to demonstrate that coins won't fall out of his pants pocket."

When was the last time you lied?

Spring of '97. Jay Chiat recommended I merge my agency with Spike Lee, and I said, "I'll look into that."

What are the practical uses in your home for the awards you won?

I put the Cannes Lions next to the sprinkler heads in my backyard. They saved me a fortune in mower blades and they scare off the gophers. Also, Andy heads make excellent meat tenderizers.

Who is your guru?

Albert Brooks, John Cleese, Ayn Rand and Jeff Greenfield. If they're busy, or dead, I call the Advertising Guru Network. There's a Master Guru named Tina that's pretty good.

What is your filthiest habit?

That's a toughie. Does unprotected anal intercourse with anonymous Haitian intravenous drug users count? I don't know, maybe if someone finally did a public service announcement I'd be more aware.

Which movie have you seen five times or more?

The Heartbreak Kid. "There is no deceit in the cauliflower."

Dick Sittig is president of Kowloon Wholesale Seafood Co., Santa Monica, and a

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