THE KAFKA QUESTIONNAIRE

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Does Mr. Jenkins know Monica Lewinsky?

Mr. Jenkins can imagine no individual in Mr. Jenkins' circle of friends who would shop at the Gap.

Have you ever been able to assemble something from IKEA all by yourself?

I put together a radio spot just last week.

What's your favorite spokesanimal?

Muddy Mudskipper.

What should Michael Jordan not sell?

Doesn't he already sell everything?

Have you ever had a milk mustache?

I'm afraid that if I drink milk I'll start talking like the people in those ads. (Vanna White: "How do I spell Calcium . . .?")

What item should McDonald's add to its menu?

McSoylent Green. Or do they already have that? I haven't been there in a while.

Who is the single greatest advertising creative of the century?

I suppose it's whoever has won the most awards. Probably some junior guy at Cliff Freeman.

What is a quality you possess that no one knows about?

I can type 65 words per minute. Back in college, my father said never to tell prospective employers or they would want me to start as a secretary instead of a copywriter. But I think it's finally safe to let people know.

Who is your guru?

Dorothy Parker. Genius rhyming schemes. It's a good thing she died before some ad agency tried to hire her to write jingles.

If you could have just one item in your fridge, what would it be?

Walt Disney.

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