KICK HECK OUT OF HOCKEY; MOTHER THERESA GOES COMMERCIAL

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Contest #433: Remember how a Kerrigan/Harding-satiated America started gagging at the sight of an ice skate in the weeks following the Winter Olympics?

Now our World Cup-weary land is getting sick at the sight of soccer balls.

But unlike Nancy and Tonya, we'll be seeing more of soccer in years to come, thanks to Nike, the first sponsor of Major League Soccer.

Will Wieden & Kennedy put Michael Jordan in cleats? Spike Lee on the left wing? Charles Barkley in red card hell? T.N.T.ers: come up with the next ad campaign from Nike to promote soccer in the U.S.

And now for the results of Contest #429: We prayed for the next campaign to feature Mother Theresa and we received these divine interventions from above:

First Prize: Apple Computer profiles Mother Theresa for its next "What's on your Powerbook?" campaign. Her Powerbook listings: List of fabric wholesalers (worldwide); addresses of the Dalai Lama and the Pope; chamomile tea brokers; "Getting past no" and "Getting to yes"; list of Yanni tour dates; Yanni fan club info; isolation tank dealers; mantra (the real one); symptoms of Epstein-Barr. Marcia Levine, sales planner, Group W Satellite Communications, New York.

Second Prize: Mother Theresa signs a multimillion-dollar deal with Victoria's Secret to do a sheet-dropping spread in their new summer catalog. Tired of those plain white sheets that do nothing for your figure? Mother Theresa shows you even a saint can be sexy. Mary Warinske, account coordinator, Foote, Cone & Belding, Seattle.

Third Prize: For Ivory soap, Mother Theresa is bathing children in some impoverished land. After she says her line, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness," the announcer says, "At Ivory, we're 99 and 94/100% pure. The only thing more pure is Mother Theresa-and we're willing to be second best." Laurie Bloom, marketing coordinator, Multiple Listing Service of Long Island, West Babylon, N.Y.

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