Shuffle, shuffle. Cut, cut. Here we go. Ah-hah! A visit to the Chicago Botanic Gardens (847-835-5440) A day with the green stuff. Except in December, it's mainly the dead stuff. Let's try once more. Shuffle, shuffle. Cut, cut.
Take a tour of the Graceland Cemetery with the Chicago Hysterical Society (312-642-4600). There you will find interred anybody in town who's had an empire named after them: McCormick, Marshall Field, Getty. Boy, this is living. Let's try once more. Shuffle, etc.
Lincoln park zoo (312-742-2000) The old standby! The free zoo where you stand there in amazement, stunned by the many exciting and interesting ways animals sleep. Enough, let's go eat.
I suggest we go straight to Heaven. Heaven on 7 diner (312-263-6443), that is. A gem of a Cajun/Jewish deli lunch spot. Marvel at the way 18 businessmen can be crammed into one cubicle. Check out the 40 different hot sauces at each table.
And if you feel undeserving of this final resting place, you can always go down to that other place -- The Billy Goat Tavern. (312-222-1525) Buried deep below Michigan Avenue, this Chicago classic has served greasy specials to presidents and tourists alike. Feel confident that all your cholesterol needs for the month can be satisfied in one sitting.