GET POSITIVE ;THE BLOOM'S OFF THE ROSE

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Contest #425: Positivity. That's what our country needs. That's the cure-all that will remedy our nation's greatest problems. That's the suggestion made by President Clinton earlier this month during his weekly radio address to the American populace. Seemingly aligning himself with the growing anti-whiner movement, President Clinton appropriately griped about the surging undercurrent of negativity that is undermining this great country of ours.

So quit your bitchin', T.N.T.ers. We want to see some happy faces: come up with the next advertising, marketing or PR campaign to promote positivity.

And now the results of Contest #421: we asked you for the next outrageous Tom and Roseanne Arnold publicity stunt and you staged these hoaxes:

First Prize: In what may be her most stunning announcement of all, Roseanne admits that her parents never abused her, Tom never hit her, she was never a lesbian or a hooker, and, in fact, she doesn't even have a weight problem. Instead, she says she's a compulsive liar. "Hell, I'm even lying right now!" Jack Huber, proofreader, Kingswood Advertising, Ardmore, Pa.

Second Prize: Claiming to have received a vision from God, the Arnolds will retire from television and tour the country in a Winnebago, staging old-fashioned tent revival meetings in which they handle snakes and speak in tongues. Jeff Walter, copywriter, Vital Communications, Lexington, Ky.

Third Prize: The Arnolds stage a "Dallas"-styled "Who Shot Roseanne?" mystery in real life. During an appearance on "Late Show With David Letterman," Roseanne is shot by a mystery gunman who slinks out the side door. The nation mourns, Tom is suspected as the murderer, but the hoax ends in a live TV spot, in which Tom walks in the bathroom where Roseanne is taking a shower. She winks at the camera while we all gag. Wayne Yoshida, Huntington Beach, Calif.

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