So quit your bitchin', T.N.T.ers. We want to see some happy faces: come up with the next advertising, marketing or PR campaign to promote positivity.
And now the results of Contest #421: we asked you for the next outrageous Tom and Roseanne Arnold publicity stunt and you staged these hoaxes:
First Prize: In what may be her most stunning announcement of all, Roseanne admits that her parents never abused her, Tom never hit her, she was never a lesbian or a hooker, and, in fact, she doesn't even have a weight problem. Instead, she says she's a compulsive liar. "Hell, I'm even lying right now!" Jack Huber, proofreader, Kingswood Advertising, Ardmore, Pa.
Second Prize: Claiming to have received a vision from God, the Arnolds will retire from television and tour the country in a Winnebago, staging old-fashioned tent revival meetings in which they handle snakes and speak in tongues. Jeff Walter, copywriter, Vital Communications, Lexington, Ky.
Third Prize: The Arnolds stage a "Dallas"-styled "Who Shot Roseanne?" mystery in real life. During an appearance on "Late Show With David Letterman," Roseanne is shot by a mystery gunman who slinks out the side door. The nation mourns, Tom is suspected as the murderer, but the hoax ends in a live TV spot, in which Tom walks in the bathroom where Roseanne is taking a shower. She winks at the camera while we all gag. Wayne Yoshida, Huntington Beach, Calif.