On the other hand, in Britain they're using the real Joe Camel in ads (Fig. 2), and what a sad surprise he turns out to be! He hasn't got a penis face at all! He looks like a baby llama! Boy, they say the camera adds 10 pounds, but we didn't know the brush adds 10 inches. Headline: "You can't beat a Camel first thing in the morning." Not if it's that small.
Taking Candie's from a babe: Jenny McCarthy's plumber's butt-crack spot is too raunchy to air, but this little bit of disgusting cheek cleavage (Fig. 3) is just fine, huh? Well, it was in The Village Voice. It's an ad for Winston, headlined, "Why can't jeans ads be this real?" Very cute, Winston. Maybe Levi's will come out with a big shot of bad chest X-rays for, "Why can't cigarette ads be this real?"
A special Consumer of the Month Award to Hanif Abdur-Rahman Sufyan, who, as reported in The New York Post, was charged with menacing and criminal possession of a weapon when he brandished a 16-ounce Mistic Kiwi Strawberry juice bottle at his captives. Seems he lost his temper and taped a door shut at his high school when they couldn't find his transcript. An unrelated taste test in The New York Times reports of the Mistic product, "This pale pink beverage is intolerably sweet, with no discernible flavor." No wonder Hanif was so pissed.
Paranoid Conspiracy Book of the Month: The Schwa World Operations Manual, $14.95, from Chronicle Books (Fig. 4). No, it's not the story of Nike's plan to take over the world, as told by Phil Knight to Andrew Young. We don't know quite what it is, but it's all about aliens, in wonderfully contrasty b&w, like reading Spy Vs. Spy but with words. So pick one up, it makes good browsing material while you're waiting on line for your anal probe.
Men! Forget the little earrings, it's time to move on to bigger and better things (Fig. 5). Moschino has spoken, and the word is doorknocker hoops. Get to it. And the Shroud of Turin makes a great poncho: The Weatherproof Garment Co. sells a "microfibre" golf jacket under the headline, "Immaculate protection?" They're not sure. Does that make them agnostic? The tag: "Touch me and understand." It's got a Divinyl finish. Word down: Turbo props to Absolut vodka! They just came out with yet another collection of "art" ads, commissioning 14 black artists to do the usual message with the bottle routine (Fig. 6). There are three liquor stores on every block in the inner city and the nearest supermarket is four miles away, but, hey, let's drink to the future of African-American art! Word up yours: Best use of "fuck" and "bullshit" in a headline goes to, "Fuck the bullshit," in a Rawkus Records ad for Company Flow's new Funcrusher Plus rap release.
Word? Not only did we not know Charlie Parker was a copywriter, we thought he was dead: "Discover Card got heavily into the groove so this gig could jam. (Translation: Discover Card is the proud sponsor of Jazz@Lincoln Center.)" Yes, this is really the copy in a new Discover Card ad (Fig. 7), and it's so hip it left our floy floys all floozied. Whoever wrote this ad must be moonlighting at Rawkus Records!
Time to make the umlauts at the Sam Breakstone Memorial Senior Center: Why didn't Dole win, why!? As a consolation prize, did Jack Kemp get him his own commercials enterprise zone? Now he's in the new has-been celebrities Dunkin' Donuts campaign, the one where Michael Vale, looking more glazed than his product, is contemplating retirement. It's about time, Mike, you do this any longer you're gonna be buried in a 12-box. So Dole sits there in a chaise lounge mumbling (Fig. 8), he can't even enunciate a simple word like "Fred." He was gonna get Hooked on Phonics, but William Bennett told him it encouraged addiction.
Get that grin off your face, they wouldn't even give you a commercial: So Don