QUICK CUTS

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Bob Johnson, the stunning gender blender of the Fallon McElligott Holiday Inn spot that ran on the Super Bowl and, due to nefarious gravitational influences of the Mars/Venus orbital conundrum, was never seen again, is sure to be back in another campaign real soon-because beauteous Bob has been around the block a few times and she's extremely resilient, just like silicone. This isn't the first time big busty Bob's gotten the hook either, so she can take it-and dish it out. Remember Old Milwaukee's Swedish Bikini Team, the Nordic nay-nays that singlehandedly slew the beer bimbo? Who do you think that was frying the fish for the manfully bonding boys? (Fig. 1) Damn right, the Bobster. We dutifully do the Dew right before we go snowboarding in nothing but a tie-dyed jockstrap. We dutifully feed the need every time we have a hankering for maximum security prison-quality ravioli to be eaten in a tree. Now Wells Rich Greene BDDP wants us to slam the stack in a new Pringles promotion that features a really ugly kid who must be slammin' the stack alone in his room. (Fig. 2) But we already slam a Dew. Yeah, we know every chip in the tennis ball can looks the same, just like the delegates at the Republican Convention, but why do we have to slam the stack, Pringles? Couldn't we whack the stack, jack the stack, crack the stack or attack the stack? How long before Boor's Head has us slammin' the ham?

How's this for an ad idea that's not pre-owned: bitter unvarnished truth! A newspaper ad for Lynnes Infiniti, Bloomfield, N.J., accompanies this charming illustration (Fig. 3) with the headline: "Buy your next used car from Lynnes because it's only a matter of time before your skills become worthless or your job gets shipped to Mexico, Canada or India, so you might as well get the satisfaction of driving a Quality Used Car." How come Jonathan Pryce never mentions this? Gag me with a ball department: Worst Headline of the Month (Fig. 4) in the Bondage & Discipline In-store Collateral category goes to Santa Monica's The Miller Group for Dream Dresser, a fantasy fashion and accessories shop. Come on, Miller. The most important thing in a relationship is trussed. Duh. Digital fun with body parts: now that anyone can do it-even pets!-you've gotta love it! So it's time for the first installment of the Photoslop Awards, with special guest judge Obi-Wan Adobe (new and digitally improved himself!). Best Face On a Glazed Pastry goes to Boost health shakes (Fig. 5) for an ad headlined "Feel like a donut?" Best Toothy Grimace on a Human Knee goes to the Cycle-Ops

Fluid-Plus Trainer

(Fig. 6) in an ad headlined "A trainer so quiet

you can hear your legs

scream." Best Grotesquely

Enlarged Baby's Head (Fig. 7) goes to an ad for HeadShok Fatty bike parts, headlined "It's a miracle!" (Mom is bouncing her encephalitic bundle on her chest.) Great googly-moogly! Congrats to BBDO/New York and M&M Mars, winner

of the Free Congress Foundation's Political Courage Award for, as a press release puts it, "mocking the politically correct desire to satisfy all religions by bringing in an excessive number of religious leaders for the team prayer" in a recent Snickers commercial (Fig. 8). The Free Congress Foundation also gave its first monthly Cultural Marxism Newspeak award to the governor of South Carolina for "caving in to the political fight to remove the Confederate flag from the statehouse in Columbia," but sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't, or something like that. What the hell is the Free Congress

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