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Prepare to meat thy maker: No sooner does Wendy's Dave Thomas have bypass surgery than Hardee's adds insult to injury with the overweight Monster Burger (Fig. 1), via a commercial from Band of Gypsies, directed by Gary Johns, in which a guy puts his burger in a copier and enlarges it 200 percent. The Monster is "not one but two quarter-pound beef patties, three slices of cheese and eight strips of crispy bacon," as the VO proudly informs us. No kidding. Eight strips. It's so big it's wheeled out on a gurney. And get this tag: "Hardee's. What will they think of next?" How about a kid's meal with a free red balloon angioplasty kit. The Question of the Month from alt.tv.commercials belongs to kapoor@hawaii.edu, who writes: "Does anyone know who the hell that Chinese guy (Fig. 2) is in those Nissan commercials? I mean, that guy is everywhere, with that creepy grin of his, and he never says a word. Is he supposed to be an angel or what!! Ugh . . . he gives me the creeps." That's no angel, Kapoor, that's Jackie Chan after slammin' one too many Dews. The late great shprockets meister Rainer Werner Fassbinder, who died, alas, before he had the chance to direct a slammin' Dew spot, is having his first complete retrospective in the U.S. right now, presented by the Museum of Modern Art. Running in New York through March 20, all 43 films and TV works will be on a 13-city tour through March '98. Don't miss it or fear will eat your soul. "Thou roguish rump-fed pignut!" Has Ebonics got you down? Tired of hurling around the M-word? Why not try Shakespearonics at www.tower.org/disease/insult.html, where randomly generated instant Elizabethan insults are yours for the taking. "Thou spongy sheep-biting scullion!" Speaking of insulting Web sites, the Web Guide of the Month goes to: Things on the Net Newt Wouldn't Want You to See, from New York's Off Color Press. Never mind innocent old Newt, this is an $8.95 pocket-size collection of all the sites that make Pat Robertson screw his eyes shut and wince in that special way of his. Yes, there really is a www.farts.com. (a new Fart of the Day every day!) and a Museum of Menstruation

(Figs. 3, 4). Call 1-800-7-FUNNY-7 today! Just cock a doodle do it: This finger lickin' chicken (Fig. 5) feathers her breast in a new ad from Vienna, Va.'s KSK

Communications for the George Washington University Health Plan, headlined,

"What's the skinny on chicken?" (Turns out it can be fattier than beef. No, not a Monster Burger.) The ultrahot and spicy corseted clucker, photographed by Peter Garfield, the Helmut Newton of poultry shooters, is sure to give every pecks 'n' flex barnyard strutter a bad case of rooster cogburn. Lay, lady, lay! Headline of the Month

from a magazine insert for the new Winston no-additives cigarette (available only in Florida, those lucky Sunshiners): Closeup of a woman who, oddly, needs two hands to drink coffee, with, "My buns might not be steel, but my butt's all tobacco." Duh!

You're supposed to smoke them, not stick them up your ass! Gotcha at retail: Jay Vigon, graphic designer and commercials

director, has opened his very own clothing, giftware and limited edition artwork emporium at 12188 Ventura Blvd. in Studio City, called M.O.E., or Made on Earth. The curious name may be intended to allay any confusion that has developed over the years, since Vigon created the logo for Return of the Jedi. When you drop in, be sure to pick up a Vigon camouflage smiley face patch (Fig. 6), only $4.95, also available on hats and T-shirts, of course. "It's an urban happy face for the '90s," says Vigon, "and it can't be overt." And the Most Upchuckingly Effective Print Campaign, North American Division, goes to Leo Burnett/

Toronto for a new Pepto-Bismol series in which french fries, tacos, onion rings, pizza and chili peppers are rendered in gut-shocking pink (Figs. 7, 8), all to the simple copy, "Lets you stomach it." Well, we couldn't; we had to run right

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