RICH TLAPEK & BRET RIDGEWAY'S THINGS NOT TO DO IN AUSTIN BEFORE YOU'RE DEAD

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These days it seems Austin makes everybody's list of The Ten Coolest Cities To Live In. Hey, Portland's on those lists, too. Tell your friends to move there. Besides, there's really nothing good to do in Austin.

People rave about Austin's hip music scene. Two words: Willie Nelson. Portland's got Everclear. Their songs all sound the same, but they rock! Yeah, Austin still has the popular South by Southwest Music Festival -- which used to be fun until all the L.A. music industry snakes started showing up.

As for Austin's booming film industry, true, Richard Linklater, Robert Rodriguez and Mike Judge are from here. So's Matthew McConaughey. Did you see how good he was in Contact?

The scenery in Austin is overrated, too. Sure, the Hill Country has nice trees and lakes. But they've got trees and lakes in Portland. Bigger, too.

Austin's restaurants are decent if all you like to eat is Tex-Mex. Portland's got salmon bento, salmon fettuccine, smoked salmon, salmon à la mode -- the list goes on.

Other things that Austin offers? Fire ants, rabid bats and the heat. And if you're in advertising, you should really think twice about moving to Austin. GSD&M is a notorious sweatshop. Worse still, there's nowhere else to go when you get fed up and quit. Oh yeah, and cable TV is really expensive here.

This message brought to you by 'Austin's Full, Move to Portland.'

Rich Tlapek and Bret Ridgeway are creative directors at GSD&M Advertising. Bret is a native Austinite with obvious biases, who recently moved from Portland back

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