ROSE IS A ROSE; ONLY IN AMERICA

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Contest #421: When confronted with the continued pop culture prominence of Tom and Roseanne Arnold and the stranglehold that their pudgy white trash hands have on the throat of the American media, we have but one perplexing question: Why? Why should we care about these celebrity misfits? T.N.T.ers: come up with Tom and Roseanne Arnold's next outrageous PR hoax.

And now for the results of Contest #417: we asked you for the next celebrity or company to market their mistakes and you fabricated these faux pas:

First Prize: Ford's new entry into the compact car market is an updated version of the Pinto, called The Torch. Among its unique features are a fold-out barbecue, flame resistant seat covers, blow-off gas cap and carbon monoxide air bags. First 10,000 customers will get a year-long subscription to Pyrogourmet. Ford spokesman says, "The idea was inspired by the Chevy Blazer." Andy Stark, VP-corporate communications, Mutual of America Life Insurance Co., New York.

Second Prize: A spot for Bounty Paper Towels begins with a shot of Joseph Hazelwood, former captain of the Exxon Valdez, sitting at a table. He has just spilled his coffee and he is about to wipe it up. He looks at the camera and says, "Believe me, I know a thing or two about spills. And when I make a mess, I always reach for the quicker picker-upper." Jeff Walter, copywriter, Vital Communications, Lexington, Ky.; and John Gardner, instructor, University of South Dakota, Vermillion, S.D.

Third Prize: Allstate Insurance signs Bill Buckner, the former Boston Red Sox player whose fielding error cost his team the 1986 World Series, to appear in spots. Bill does the voice-over-"You're in good hands with Allstate"-and is seen at the end, with palms open, saying: "Allstate. The good hands people. Believe me, I should know." Jim Sabo, owner, Brose Productions, Tarrytown, N.Y.

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