India exploded a hydrogen bomb. Next thing you know they'll be discovering the flush toilet.
It rained 13 days straight in New York. Then a baseball game was rained out in San Diego. Which never happens.
Lawrence Taylor was jailed in New Jersey as a deadbeat dad.
Larry King got a new contract with CNN for seven million a year. "I certainly never thought they would pay this kind of money," Larry said. Tom Johnson, the boss, said they were "delighted to be making this deal with Larry."
Another member of the Clinton cabinet is about to be hauled out of there in cuffs and printed. Boss Tweed would have felt right at home with this bunch.
That Taiwanese group in Garland, Texas, that was waiting for God to appear among them, reports sadly that He did not show up as promised. But that he stands 6 feet tall, is about 28, and looks like Abraham Lincoln.
Fatso Wells threw a perfect game for the Yankees. This is the same Wells they were carping wasn't in shape. Reminds me of Lincoln's line about Grant and the whisky.
In Pakistan, Muslims rioted and beat up local Catholics. A Catholic had "blasphemed" and when he was sentenced to death, the Catholic bishop killed himself. The religious riots ensued. Naturally.
Yeltsin went on the Internet and, according to those in the know, was sober.
New York cabbies pulled a 24-hour strike and traffic never moved better.
Warner is publishing a book called "Pros & Cons," all about "criminals" who play in the NFL.
"Chainsaw Al" Dunlap of Sunbeam cut 6,400 more jobs.
A letter to the Times points out, and accurately so, that due to the big merger, Mercedes will now own the "jeep." Albert Speer, the noted ironist, would be so pleased.
The Army's former top soldier, convicted of obstruction in the sex-harrassment case, will get his full pension on retirement.
That reasonable fellow, the Rev. Ian Paisley, who once shouted at the pope, "I renounce you as the Antichrist!" and told Clinton he felt like "using my foot on your backside," said he will vote against the Irish peace accord.
The Postal Service, which clears a billion dollars a year in profit, wants another penny on a letter.
The Philippines elected as their new president a former actor described by foes as "ignorant and incompetent." Says a commentator, "It is the revenge of the masses. They are tired of being led by smart people."
In Italy a porn queen was elected "mother of the year."
The feds are suing Microsoft. Now the Albanians in Macedonia want their own state. When it comes to the Balkans, Bismarck was right, it's always "some damned fool thing" after another.
We and the Israelis are bickering. Part of the blame is laid at the feet of Hillary Clinton, who, for murky reasons, suddenly announced she favored "a Palestinian state." Clinton "kremlinologists" explained this as her way of getting back at him.
Senator D'Amato announced he's running for re-election. It was that, or get a job.
The former chairman of Kia Motors was arrested in Seoul for allegedly embezzling $37 million.
"Murder in the Vatican." I leave it to Margaret Truman to take it from there.
Nike's CEO, in a National Press Club speech, said he was shocked, shocked! to learn the company pays slave wages to underage sneaker workers and won't do it anymore.
"The year of living dangerously" really has come home to Indonesia.
It took a Forbes editor named Adam Penenberg to blow the whistle on a phony who gulled a number of major publications into buying, and in some instances publishing, his totally fabricated news stories, one about computer hackers. The rogue, one Stephen Glass, had a piece in The New Republic that baffled editor Penenberg, himself an expert on such matters. It was about a hacker who penetrated a computer firm's security. Turns out Glass made the whole thing up and even created Web sites to bolster his case. Taken in by Glass, besides The New Republic, which has now fired him, were Rolling Stone and George, which gave him freelance contracts, and Harper's and the Washington Post, which ran his stuff. And, oh yes, he'd submitted a draft of a piece on money that the Sunday magazine of The New York Times was looking at.
Sports Illustrated reveals many NBA stars casually father scores of out-of-wedlock children on their road trips and just as casually abandon them. Only by NBA standards is this not considered to be "a traveling violation."