UPFRONT

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Hey, whatsa matter with this cookie? It doesn't want a nice milk mustache? It's DDB Needham/Dallas' "Tough Cookie" for Borden's milk, directed by Michael Schrom of Michael Schrom & Co., special effects by R/Greenberg & Associates.

Michael Migliozzi, Omni-Creative Guy, 2 Guys Who Do Ads, Brooklyn, N.Y.: Nice production values. Nice special effects. Nice budget. With all the wholesome and comforting thoughts that run through my head about milk, cookie homicide is not one of them.

Now, if I was a cookie, I'd want to be wooed. Full attention paid to me, you know, the way a child would pretend to make it walk around and give it a name. But to mercilessly beat a cookie into submission? Hmm. With that attitude, you can forget it buddy, even if you have Borden's.

Rob Johnson, Senior Copywriter, Young & Rubicam/

S.F.: I just don't get it. Milk is milk. Everyone knows that. So, while the execution is cute, the idea behind it is faulty. Interestingly, if they were selling, say, Borden ice cream, people might buy it-but milk? No way. Besides, I kinda like the cookie- and would hate to see its head get bitten off!

Kimberly Wright, Art Director, Cole Henderson Drake, Atlanta: Got an original idea? I initially found the ad compelling, visually interesting and eagerly anticipated the resolution. Oops, wait, different campaign. Let's constantly strive to reinvent the art of advertising, shall we? If you want to take something from Goodby, take a lesson on borrowed interest. The Sega ripoffs on Ginsu for instance. If you felt you couldn't come up with anything better, that the category was too intimidating, then this is a wonderful approach. Theft.

Peter McHugh, Senior Copywriter, Fallon McElligott, Minneapolis: Let's see: I'm a dick if I call the spot a derivative, unoriginal piece of poop, and I'm a hack if I think it's a totally fresh, gut-funny laff riot. So I'm a dick.

Pump sold separately!

No sooner have they completed a "Mission Impossible"-style print series for Shimano bicycle parts (see last issue's Upfront section), than the weirdos at Miami's Crispin & Porter are back with the Shimano Action Gear Catalog, the latest inspired effort to reach the "anti-advertising, anti-bullshit" fat-tire community, says CD Alex Bogusky. Fourteen figurines that spoof real professional riders are the stars of these ads, and characteristic attributes of each sponsored celeb make them easily recognizable to bike nuts.

Take Dave "Zipperchest" Cullinan, for example. Poor guy's had three open-heart surgeries. Now he's not only got a killer scar to show off but his figurine offers "hours of titanium valve replacement fun," as the copy informs us. Step aside, X-Men. "Tattoo by Numbers" Pete Loncarevich comes with the necessary implements and moaning capabilities to make your skin art fun as authentic as possible.

Associate CD/writer Scott Linnen, who teamed with art director Tony Calcao, calls these guys the "action heroes from hell. Bikers don't want to be preached to," professes Linnen, "they've got this been-there-done-that attitude, and they tend to be a breed unto themselves."

Keep your eyes out for Kirt "That's Gotta Hurt" Voreis, whose shoulder dislocates on command, and the lovely "Stunning Upset" Sara with post-race hurling action.

Models by Propwerks, Seattle.

Is there a pee break

at 2.5K? Williams & Rockwood, Salt Lake City, unleashes an awards show special. Art director David Emmitt says the posters are "hard to ignore when you've got a 12-inch genital in your face." Stop sniffing that Great Dane, Dave! Credit also writer Jack Becker and designer Stace Hasagawa; metal and wood block type by Hatch Show Print, Nashville.

A SO LOW PERFORMANCE

Our favorite insane commercials actor, Kevin West, is at it again, the only human in sight, and we use the term loosely, for some new equally insane toys from Yes Entertainment. Two recent :30s created by Rob Smiley at San Francisco-based CKS Partners and directed by Robert Caruso of Commotion Pictures, San Francisco, depict West first as his own evil twin in a game of laser pen tag, then as the hyperactive prankster in his family, who are portrayed by mannequins.

In the latter spot, West shoots his wooden brother with a remote-controlled water gun, drops worms in his mother's coffee with a remote-controlled booby trap and drenches his sister with a remote-controlled water balloon. Then his stiff-limbed dad tries to strangle him.

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